The Aftermath

           
            Neil Sedaka sang it best: “Breaking up is hard to do”.  Whether you’re the victim of the break-up or the initiator of it; it’s not easy.  As the initiator, we battle with the decision within ourselves.  Constantly thinking:  “Should I stick with it?”, “Is it worth the hardships?”, “How strongly do I really feel for this person?”, “Can we get through this?”, “How am I going to break the news to him/her?”  From the victim’s point of view they can feel that it’s coming.  The aura oozing from their significant other is at such a low point, and they can feel the negativity pouring out of them.  The “Spidey sense” is just tingling, but they’re just not sure as to what’s causing the problem at hand; most of the time the victims rarely see that anything is wrong.  As the victim, they parade around the day thinking about how lucky they are to have found someone so great, that someone they connect so well with, and about much longer they’ll have to endure the long drought periods which they haven’t talked or seen their boyfriend/girlfriend.  Which ever side you’re on you must be prepared nonetheless. 
 

For the Initiator:

          Let’s just be honest about it: you know well beforehand that you’re going to break up with someone before you finally go through with it.  You’ve probably thought about it at least a week in advance.  The key to building a strong relationship is having good communication.  If you really want the relationship to work out, you have to let the other know what it is that’s bothering you.  The only reason that you’ve been brought to the point to where you can’t take it anymore is because you didn’t have the courage to just step up, open your mouth, and tell them how you really felt about everything.  If your boyfriend/girlfriend is really into you, odds are, they’ll come to a compromise with you about whatever it was that you had a problem with, and you could continue the relationship.  That is IF you really want it to last, and, let’s face it, if you’re in a relationship it’s because you do want it to last... …otherwise you wouldn’t have gotten into it to begin with, right?

            If your relationship problems are getting to the point where you’re going to go insane with the things that are in front of you, then, yes, get out of the relationship.  Don’t hesitate and drag it on.  The longer you go without saying the thing you mean to say at the moment you mean to say it will only hurt the other even worse.  It’s painful enough having to endure the silence; and, all the while, know that something’s wrong.  Set them down, be honest, but be as sensitive as you can be.  The whole, “It’s not you, it’s me” speech has been played out, so don’t run that line.  That entire phrase says is: “Yes… it is you”. 
 
Saying, ”I hope we can still be friends” is also a killer.  Just because you have lost your feelings for the other doesn’t mean that they have, also, lost theirs.  The only time you can truly be friends after any kind of boyfriend/girlfriend relationship is if you were already friends to begin with before you had gotten together.  That’s the ONLY time, and even then, it’s a stretch.  Depending on how deep you got yourself within the relationship determines if you will, in fact, be able to turn on the friendship again.  For example: if you met, dated for a while, and then made it official; sorry, but there is a slim-to-none chance that you will be able to become friends still afterwards.  It goes back to the beginning of “Men and Women can never truly be friends”.  Even after the end of a relationship one or the other will still feel something towards another.  It’s usually the victim that has those feelings, and they’re the ones that will say, “Sure... we’ll always be friends”; however, that statement is tainted; tainted with the hope that they will inevitably carry with themselves into the “Friendship”.  They’ll use that friendship to remain in contact, to regain that closeness that they, as a couple, had once felt before, and to (hopefully) get back together.  That’s what they want in the end: to repair the damage set to their heart by becoming an item again. 

Initiators… if you really, truly want to be friends with the person that you’re letting go, then you have to truly let them go.  Give them time to recuperate.  Don’t call them just one week after you’ve broken up with them.  That will only present a false hope within them that signals that you might still be interested.  “Out of sight; out of mind”… that’s how it has to be.  They either have to totally get over their feelings for you, or be committed in a new relationship before they will be comfortable enough with themselves to be in your presence without having the thoughts, “What does this mean?”, “Does he/she still like me?”, and other thoughts significant to the relevancy of a non-existent feeling in the other. 
 
For the Victims:
 
               When the end comes, that’s it.  It’s over.  Whether it was something that you said or did, something about your personality that they just didn’t connect with, or maybe it was something about themselves that they found out stating that they just weren’t ready to be in a relationship.  It happens all the time.  Whatever the case may have been… there’s no changing it.  I know, I know… you can hope for the change; that some miracle will come along, and turn everything to be exactly the way it was.  When you two were together, when nothing else mattered, and you felt at ease with everything instead of being in this state of mind, in which, you wonder how you’re going to get through the next few months as your grief just seems to pile upon itself. 

            “Don’t let your relationship define the person that you are”, remember that?  Before you became involved with this person, you had a goal in mind.  School, a career change or move… whatever it was you still have that going on about yourself.  You have friends, too.  Despite how many times you deserted them to be with your man/woman, a friend (a TRUE friend) never gives up on you; never gives up on being your friend.  This is the time where you’ll need them the most, and the time when you’ll see whom your friends really are, and those that weren’t. 

            There will be moments of weakness where you’ll want to pick up the phone just to hear their voice and see how things are going.  DON’T DO IT!!  Be stronger than that.  If you think about calling them, call a friend or a relative instead.  Let them know how you’re feeling.  Keep the ball of this “love game” in your hands… don’t pass it off to your ex.  That will give them the upper hand in knowing that they still have you.  When I say “have you”, I mean that they are in control of your emotions.  Darth Vader said unto his son, Luke, “Your thoughts betray you”, and that’s what your emotions and thoughts can do to you as well.  They’ll give up your control over the situation.  Giving in to talking, seeing, and calling your ex will give them the opportunity to use the “Yo-yo effect”.  

A lot of people begin living a lie that they create for themselves.  A lot of variables come in this statistic.  It boils down to how long you’ve been in the relationship, how long you’ve known them, and how strong of a person you are.  The one thing I know that is certain, and it doesn’t matter what kind of person you are, if you’ve been in a relationship six months or more, you will not get over it any time soon.  It won’t take days or weeks.  It’ll take months even years in some cases.  That’s okay.  Deal with it.  Do whatever you have to do, but DO NOT lie to yourself about being over it.  That’s the worse thing you can do.  Lying only prevents the truth from eventually biting you in the ass later on.  

Before you go through with announcing that you’re, in fact, over your heartache; be sure that you are truly over it.  Then, and only then, you will be able to resume communication and try the task of becoming friends.  If somewhere within you there’s a shadow of hope that you could turn the “Friendship” to become something more, walk away.  All you will be doing is setting yourself up for more heartache because sooner or later you will soon come to realize that you’re the only one with those feelings.  You’ll come to a point in the “Friendship” where you’ll get this great vibe from him/her.  It’ll trick you into thinking something can start up between you two again, and when you get the courage to tell them how you feel, and how you want them back, that’s when it’ll come out that you were alone in your way of thought. 

You have come to notice that I have quoted the word “Friendship”.  The reason is simple: you are not really friends.  When there are emotions involved with it, it’s not a true friendship because one or the other wants more from the relationship at hand.  Even if it’s something as simple as a kiss the “Friendship” is tainted with the desire to want more.  We all know the chain of sexual actions, right?
 

THE CHAIN OF SEXUAL ACTIVITY
1)      Starts off with a hug
2)      A hug leads to a kiss on the cheek
3)      Kiss on the cheek leads to wanting one on the lips
4)      Kiss on the lips leads to a make-out session
5)      Make-out sessions lead to soft touching/caressing
6)      Soft touching/caressing leads to the “wandering kiss*”
7)      The “wandering kiss” leads to aggressive touching
8)      Aggressive touching leads to dry humping or “over the clothes sex”
9)      “Over the clothes sex” leads to (the big finale) sex


*Wandering kiss – (v) -- kissing around the ear, neck, and chest.  Basically kissing anywhere that’s not the lips
   


The moment we make contact with this activity we can’t help but want to see if there’s a possibility that we could take it up to the next activity until we’ve gotten to that final stage.  Some of us do have self control, however.  The Good Guys will try to get as high as step #4.  Any further on the list, and we’d have to know them very intimately and be in a strong relationship.  The average level that people will reach is step #6, and then their shield (or wall) will come up saying, “Whoa… taking things a bit too fast.”

The longer the relationship; the more intimate you come to know a person; in general, the stronger the feeling you feel for someone the longer it will take before you’ll able to face your ex.  The world can be a very small place, and you’re bound to run into your ex at one point or another.  When that time comes, don’t show you’re hurt.  Keep it casual, be cordial, and be brief.  Don’t make it a point to stick around to try to make conversation.  A simple “Hey, how are you?” is sufficient enough.  I mean, do you really want to know what they’ve been up to?  Asking about their recent endeavors could put you in an awkward situation, and could force your bottled up emotions to be displayed.  Again, “Hey, how are you?”… After that you praise their well being with “Oh, that’s good” and close it immediately with “Well, I have to get going.  Nice seeing you again”.  Short… simple… and, above all, keeps you in control of yourself and the situation.  If they persist in keeping the conversation going, stress the fact that you have to be on the move, but to have them call you later.  This may sound cruel, but when, or IF, they do call you later, don’t answer.  You know how they’re doing, and that’s they are “Fine”.  What else could you possibly want to know? 

            Remember, be strong, and stick to your guns.  It’s maddening, I know, to sit there at your caller ID and seeing their name and number show up on it, but not answering the call.  It hurts.  This is where your friends come in.  Tell them about the day, and your interaction with each other.  Don’t give in to picking up the phone and talking to them, though. 
           
When all else fails, remember this:
 
“Everything comes together in the end, and if it hasn’t come together then it’s not the end.”
                                                                                                            -Richard Flores Jr.


This is my favorite quote in the world, and it has helped me through my darkest of times.  There are bigger and better things out there for you, and you have to keep pursuing the things that will be the better for you in the long run.
 


Getting Back in the Mix:
 
This next phase is getting back onto the dating scene, and letting the world know that you’re available and comfortable to date again.  Just like your ex can tell that you’re still into him/her; the world can tell when you have a lingering emotion about an ex.  So when taking this plunge, remember: be sure that you’re truly over everything.
           

So now you’re starting over.  This is not just another chance to find that right person.  This is a chance to redefine you.  You are not the same person you were before you and your former boyfriend/girlfriend got together.  Use the knowledge that you gained from the previous relationship to your advantage.  You deserve the best, and the best person for you is out there waiting.  Don’t settle for anything less.  Keep your wits about you.  You know what you’re looking for and what you want in a man.  Obviously the last one didn’t have all those qualities, so someone approaching with those same characteristics is already on your “liability” radar. 

    Don’t worry about rushing back into this scene.  It’s difficult enough playing this game without the emotions that you’ll be carrying with you this first time around.  Take things one step at a time.  Be sure your first night on the scene is with a group of friends; at least five or so.  As you get more and more comfortable the number of people within the group can diminish until you are to the point where you’ll (maybe) go by yourself.  Surround yourself with positive energy, and feed off of it.  Don’t think about talking/meeting someone.  Just let go of all the built of frustration and stress, and have fun with it. 

If "Heaven Can Wait"... Then So Can Sex

Alright you’ve made it through the wilderness. If all things are going smoothly, you’ve weeded out the good from the bad, and you’ve reached that in depth analysis and found no traces of a Player/Heartbreaker quality within them, you might actually have the real deal with you right there. The time it takes to really get to know your significant other and their intentions on an intimate level is, on average, two months. Now, I know it’s hard to hold yourself off to someone with such a certain caliber to their character, but you must. You must, you must, you MUST! Time and time again, I’ve seen how sex can take a relationship that started out so pure and corrupt it over time because they couldn’t hold out on sex.


If you have, what could be, “the one” in your arms why would you jeopardize it? You want it to last, don’t you? In the very beginning everything is new. The first kiss between you was passionate, and sparked an electricity like none other; the first date will always be remembered; and the feeling that you connected with someone in such a short amount of time (and it IS a short amount of time) brings you to an uncontrollable urge to want to scream out, “I LOVE YOU!”. That’s with EVERY relationship you encounter. You’re always going to have those feelings with the new person you’re growing accustomed to. You get to feeling so comfortable with that person that you can’t help but want to give it away. This is the reason for my Three-Month Rule.

It takes four to six weeks to see if you really have someone worth holding on to. That time was just to get to know their intentions and the person within them on a personable level. The last four to six weeks should be used to form the base and foundation of the relationship. It’s at this time that things get to be a little protocol, and the real strength of the relationships kicks in. How long are you able to endure those long silences on the phone? In the beginning, you could talk for hours about your day, but deeper and deeper in the relationship it gets harder to be creative on the phone. Same goes with your date nights. How can you keep it interesting? Going to a movie week after week gets boring and old. Sure... you're spending time with that special person; but nobody likes feeling like an "old married couple" after that short amount of time, right??


Sex always seems like a way to spice up any relationship that seems to be heading toward that repetitive routine. It’s a mistake in every way to trust in sex to bring it back because the sex is what your relationship will be based on. It won’t matter what it was in the beginning that drew you to each other. Sex will take over that initial attraction, and will, unfortunately, outweigh anything after it. Anytime you have a quarrel, when you can’t communicate like you used to, or you go on a “break” sex is what will be used to piece the puzzle of your relationship together. Unfortunately the piece that you’re trying to use to piece it back is the wrong shape, and will inevitably never be completed.


I know what you’re doing. You’re thinking about the person you’re with or were with at one time, and counting the months before you had sex with them, aren’t you? hahaha

So… we’ve established that the first four to six weeks is to determine the other person’s intentions as well as little trivial knowledge about them. It’s the last four to six weeks within the Three-Month Rule that you get into the intimacy aspect. It is during this process where you find your true foundation of which the relationship should be based on. Common interests, same passions, mutual goals, and everything else that might come up are all good examples. Plus, if your partner is so eager to have sex then it’s a good possibility that they’re one of the people you needed to be on the look out for. If you can feel that the person you’re with is “the one”, shouldn’t they be worth the wait?? Shouldn't they feel that YOU are worth the wait??


If you and your partner have successfully waited through the Three-Month Rule have at it. Plan it three times a day if needs be. Because you have waited you now have a solid foundation as well as connection with that person which will also make the sex all the more pleasurable. Sex is good on its own, but knowing that the other person cares, and (possibly) loves you as much as you do to them adds so much more to it. The chemistry, the passion, the tenderness you feel for one another will be adequately distributed throughout one another, and will take you on higher levels you never saw with previous encounters and relationships.


The longer the wait, the more of a connection you will share, and the less likely it will be known as sex; and, instead, will be known as “love making”. In this day and age, I know how hard it is to resist temptation to just jump right into it, but if you do it’s all the more better. If you’re the good people that I know you are, I’m sure you’ll have no problem holding off as long as possible. My suggestion is to build it slowly over the period of a year. Use the Three-Month Rule to gradually build to sex/love making. If either one of you, at any time, ever feel a line should be drawn make sure you let the other know. At this time in the relationship neither side would get upset by the boundary being set, but instead will be acknowledged and respected.

And, just a thought... ... waiting really does ENHANCE the feeling of the sex/love making. The intimate connection you both have waited to build up, the knowing, and not just assuming, that you care for them just as much as they care about you; and knowing that, even when the night/moment has passed, you'll be there for one another the next day; the next week; and, possibly, years or the rest of your life to come.


A question for you readers... ... what's your limit? Do you agree that 3 months is a good amount of time to wait?? Or do you have a shorter timeline? Or longer?? I'd be greatly interested in knowing how/what you think on this subject; as with the other subjects from previous posts. ;-)

As always... I thank you for your support, and for reading. And hope this helps you on all of your future loving endeavors.


Much Love-
Rico - The Love Doctor

A Moment for Poetry

Love's Blinded Fool
By: DrummaRico
aka - The Love Doctor


Love can be cruel
In the hands of a fool
In inexperienced hands, a tool
That'll leave a heart for the breakin
Never mistaken
Turns the world into forsaken
Shadows
That leave us blind
Lost in the wilderness within our mind
Where she resides...
Where my love must hide

In order to protect
The heart, that only her love, could resurrect
It seems almost suspect
To be granted such an emotion
That can leave the body in such commotion
A war
Where the heart and the mind
On the issue, they are torn
And the soul...
Day to day, more and more worn
For it is this lack of love that leaves him to be in mourn

In sleepless nights and slow-moving days
It waits
This love; this pain
This insanity to, once again, become sane
And much like the rain
It fills the pools of the scattered love that remained

I'm thinkin and missin
I'm hopin and wishin
Forsaken in this love that I can't be dismissin
Blinded...
Cause I can't make sense of wrong or right
Keeps me in the dark searchin for light
And, yet, it won't give up the fight
Knowing that “true love” is still with in sight
With the one that still holds my heart so tight
Within her hands...

Oh, how I could bend at the will of her command
To fulfill each demand
Finding such a peace in the reward of knowing that she will understand...
Just how much, for her, this heart beats
How, despite intuition, the love doesn't retreat
Never admitting defeat
From the only love that ever made me feel so complete
Yes, this fool...
That holds, with inexperienced hands, this tool
That could mend his heart once again
Longs for becoming more than “just a friend”
To speak of “forever” instead of “the end”

But only she has that power that could make the hurt bend
For one's will without the other
Only leaves another
Hole...
In place of what should be whole
And until her hand allows mine to hold
This story can only be dreamt and not told
For it would be bold
To say, without her permission, that she is mine
Although, I wish that she would be every night
Every time...
Her face crosses my mind
So as I sit here with closed eyes
So that this beauty, I can find
I am reminded
That opening my eyes is useless for I have been blinded
By the tool
Inexperienced hands; this fool
Awaits for renewal
For his “Preciosa” jewel
For her love

"When Harry Met Sally" -- Revisited

Billy Crystal of "When Harry Met Sally" said it best, "No man can be friends with a woman he finds attractive. He always wants to have sex with her."
Meg Ryan continues, "So you saying that a man CAN be friends with a woman he finds UNattractive."
Billy Crystal, "No. You pretty much want to nail them, too."

lol. Great movie


Just what IS "friendship"?? The dictionary defines it as:
–noun
1. the state of being a friend; association as friends: to value a person's friendship.
2. a friendly relation or intimacy.
3. friendly feeling or disposition.


Doesn't really answer the question, does it?? It's like a political answer (at least to me). So I thought... "Okay... what is a 'friend'??"


Here's what they said:
-noun
1. a person attached to another by feelings of affection or personal regard.
2. a person who gives assistance; patron; supporter: friends of the Boston Symphony.
3. a person who is on good terms with another; a person who is not hostile: Who goes there? Friend or foe?

see also: acquaintance, ally, and associate (there were more, but these were the ones I found myself focuing on the most.)


I have gotten into many arguments years ago because of this issue with my women "friends". Now... I will take into consideration that I was, most definitely, a lot more shy back then, and just couldn't seem to sum up the courage enough to just plainly say, "I like you... will you go out with me sometime?". It was because of my hesitation that I found myself getting angry because they weren't looking my way; and, yet, would take it out on them as if they "lead me on". To those women, if they are reading, I apologize.

But for those that I have addressed in the more recent years; namely the ones that I would straight up tell them, "Sorry... I wasn't looking to be 'just friends'... I have enough women friends." and then proceeded to move on in my life, why are you so mad about my honesty?? Did you really expect some kind of "friendship"?? Is that what you expect from ALL men; or was it just something you wanted from me?? No matter what the reason was... ... I was attracted to you. And because of that, there was no way that a 100% platonic frienship was in the making. I was always going to want more; you, probably, weren't going to ever give me that chance or look at me in that sense... ... so why go through the trouble, right??

It is an unfortunate, but true, fact. Men and women just cannot be friends.

Sorry... ... correction... ... SINGLE men and women cannot be "just friends" because an attraction is bound to occur within one or the other. I know, I know... ... I can feel those of you already shaking your head, and hear all of your thoughts saying, "No way... not true. I have a LOT of men/women friends, and they are JUST FRIENDS." To those of you that DO have men or women that are "just friends"... let me just take a little bit to examine why that is, alright?

If you have a male/female friend who is "just a friend", I ask you this: Do either of you -- your "friend" or yourself -- have a current relationship?? If you answered, "Yes"... it is BECAUSE of that minor detail that you are "just friends". Either they or you are already focused the sexual tension on the boyfriend/girlfriend that you or they are with. The one IN the relationship doesn't have to worry about whether they look good around the other... they don't think about whether or not the other likes them. They have the one they want to be with, and that's it.

And if you're still shaking your head... ... it's probably YOU with the relationship, and are just choosing not to believe that there are any kind of emotions within your friend towards you; and if this is the case, I challenge you to just be up front with them. Ask them point blank... "Do you or have you had any kind of feelings of attraction towards me?". Because I can all but guarantee that if you were to break up with your boyfriend tomorrow... somebody -- one of your "friends" -- would make their true, hidden feelings for you shown.

But back to the topic at hand... ...

For the single women out there... ... men are pretty simple creatures. We will never do anyhing out of our way if we didn't think we were going to get something from it in the long run. Women can do that, though. If we need an ear to confide in, help with some random task/problem... or a ride because we're drunk at 2am... ... women can jump at the opportunity to be there without an agenda behind it. They can take to the task, and it can be construed as you "being nice". Men, however... ... we're never "just nice".

We're always looking for that golden opportunity. No, it's not always just to take advantage and have sex. It's just the opportunity to get closer to you... maybe even get a drunken/consoling kiss, if we can. But that's men. I have to admit... ... and you can ask any one of the female friends that I DO have... I'm one of the most fiercest friends that they know, and one that is always there in a pinch WITHOUT any intentions of gaining any kind of special access to them. While my honesty may be taken as "rude" or "mean" at times... ... I'll always remain, to them, one of the nicest guys they've ever met. That being said... ... I have, in the past, resorted to this maneuver of gaining trust and access to women that I had an attraction towards while they were at their most vulnerable state.

I know, I know... ... not something I brag about; but definitely something to share with all of you because of my experience. The point is... ... single ladies... ... men are never "just nice". We're looking for something. Whether it's a date, a kiss, or the ultimate taking advantage of (sex)... we're just looking for an opportunity.


Here's the ONLY 2 times when a man and a woman CAN be friends... ...

1) When the man/woman (either you or them) is already in a relationship, and there is NO attraction. Not just from the single person... from the one in the relationship as well.

2) When BOTH male and female "friends" are in relationships. This rule, however, has consequences; but I'll be getting to that a bit later.


I'm going to use myself in these examples. It's just too hard keeping track of "you", "they", and "your friend", "your or their boyfriend/girlfriend". lol.


If I'm single and meet someone who has a boyfriend and have an attraction... there can be no friendship. I am always going to be looking for an opportunity for when they break up. And, if I'm the player-type... I'll be looking to break them up sooner by trying to convince them they're in a bad relationship.

If I'm single and meet someone who has a boyfriend and THEY have an attraction to me... ... the "friendship" can never occur because THEY are going to be the ones looking for the opportunity to get out of their relationship in order to see how the road goes with me. Now, I can give the woman the benefit of the doubt, and say that she would never cheat on her boyfriend... ... at least, not in a physical sense. However; she has already cheated mentally and emotionally. I say this because her mind would, probably, already be focused outside of the relationship she's in, and focused on the one she wants to start up. This is the mentally cheating. She'd be emotionally cheating because she's already detatched herself from the emotions of her current boyfriend. Sure... she could "love" him in the sense that he's a good guy an she likes his company, but the inimate connection would no longer be there; and giving that kind of time and attention towards someone outside of the relationship. Even something as simple as conversation... ... spending time talking with someone else instead of your boyfriend/girlfriend is allowing yourself to be open and intimate with another person.

All of this, of course, would happen the same way if the roles were flipped. If I were the one with a girlfriend, and they had an attraction towards me -- or vice versa -- the "friendship" could never occur; and my relationship would be in some kind of jeopardy. If a friendship is to work there has to be NO attraction between the two... no matter which one is in the relationship.


This next point is the ONLY legitimate way for men and women to be platonic friends... ... and that's when they are BOTH in commited relationships. When both are in relationships, there's no wondering "if they do or don't like me"... there's no vying for, even, the smallest amount of attention... no need for conversations that detour outside of the friendship boundaries (i.e.: personal information about each other's relationship, personal favorites -- colors, food, movies, etc., and other information already being shared between the relationships you're involved in). You both know where the line is drawn, and both know that any kind of one-on-one encounter (being drinks, dinner, or a movie) is OUT OF THE QUESTION. Your boyfriend knows about me, and my girlfriend knows about you. But, again... like I had state before... there is a consequence even to this "friendship".

While loyal men and women may be able to determine where the line should be drawn... that line could've been pushed further back by the person you're with; and, more often that not, it's the one we're in a relationship with that won't understand the need for having this "friendship". No matter how much you can try to explain... if they're not liking the comradery... then it's time to cut one or the other loose. And, maybe, my girlfriend or your boyfriend might be understanding enough to just say, "You know... I don't like you talking to them all the time. Please cut it down." Instead of, "You need to stop it with them".

While you may have the friendship of the opposite sex, we both know that it wouldn't be worth ruining an intimate relationship you or I have built with our boyfriend/girlfriend. And all this does is lead us back to the early rule:

Men and women, simply, cannot be friends. It's sexual tension, or it's potential relationship disaster... ... it's men trying to be opportunists... or women cheating emotionally and mentally. And, while, someone you truly love -- that truly loves you -- would never make you choose between them or your "friend"... ... we both know which is the lesser of two evils. lol.



So... ... after going through all these rules... ... here's my personal take on it; and how I conduct my relationship versing friendshis; as well as, how I would HOPE my girlfriend conduct the same kind of morality to it... ...

I have many women that I'm in contact with. Whether they be from high school, college, or work... ... these are women that I like talking to, that I might or might not be attracted to... that I might've had, even, a relationship with in the past... ... whatever the case may be. If I met a woman tomorrow, make a connection, and become totally commited into that realtionship... ... I will no longer be looking to make any "friend" with the opposite sex. The women that I have on Facebook are all the women friends I need... ... some of them, possibly deleted so as to resist any kind of temptation. But from that moment on... no more "making friends". There would just be no point to it anymore.

As for my girlfriend... I wouldn't mind any men in her life being friends from her past. They were her friends before I had come into the picture, and she, nor I, should be faulted for that. But making a male friend AFTER I come along??? It would just signal to me that I'm, possibly, not fulfilling an aspect of the relationhip that she's looking for in this "friend" -- and, of course, vice versa.

But this is just me. And you can agree or disagree. I'm sure you have your own methods for dealing with "friends" and "friends" of your boyfriend/girlfriend; but before I part this evening, I would like to leave you with a few closing thoughts...


Whoever thought that a mere "friendship" could be so complicated?? Attraction, tension... rules, morality... ... it can definitely cause a lot of unwanted stress in ones life. Those of you looking to be an opportunist with someone you're interested in... ... trying to hint your emotions for them without causing yourself emotional harm, or (if they're in a relationship) being blunt to just say, "You should be with me, instead"... ... just how long are you willing to play that role?? When do you look at the situation and just say, "The time, energy, and effort I've made in my advances with this guy/girl just keep going unheard and un-noticed... time to move on"??? How long do you wait??

It's never an easy task to drop your feelings for someone and start from scratch all over again... but, sometimes, it is neccessary for your own personal sanity. So be careful about being caught up in this scenario... and trust your instincts to know when you need to leave. I've been caught up on one person for months even YEARS at a time with no progression... all because I was too shy. Now... I just be straight to the point, and if they're not willing to build that connection with me... I move on. Why would we want to torture ourselves by agreeing to be friends, right??


It's about 2am here in my area... so I'll be calling it a night. I'm sure this was a lot to take in so let me just say THANK YOU for reading. I greatly appreciate your support, and would love to hear your thoughts and comments on this topic, and the previous ones.

Till next time... I thank you, again, and hope these words help you in your future relationship endeavors.



Much Love-
The Love Doctor
DrummaRico

Old Flames: Still Kindling? Or Just Ashes?

In the desloation of the night it is easy to find our mind wandering...

Even though our bodies are winding down after a long day of working, cleaning, and various other mundane activity; our minds seem to have drank some kind of energy drink and are fueled with hundreds of thoughts that, often times, keep us from falling asleep at that reasonable hour. Lots of "what ifs", past conversations and scenarios... ... wondering what the future might hold, and if what we're doing now is the right thing to do in order to ensure the correct path has been set in front of us.

I, myself, find myself going over my past relationship endeavors. What I might've done wrong; what I should've seen from the beginning... ... relationships that weren't given a fair chance, and relationships that lasted too long for their own good. Wondering what some of them may be doing now, if they, possibly, think of me... ... happy that I am no longer in contact with some, and curious with the ones that I'm in contact with still. Why confused, you may ask??

To put it in the simplest terms... ... I don't keep them around and within communication just because I enjoy a conversation with them. They're there because there's still a lingering emotion about them, and a, kind of, yearning of what could happen with them if the possibility may present itself that we could get back together once more. Is this a smart thing to do?? Absolutely not. But being a single man with a memory that seems to absorb EVERYTHING about my past girlfriends... I cannot help what my mind chooses to bring up at the peak of its' midnight performance period.

This issue is one that I face, at least, a few times a month when talking to my closest friends about their relationship turmoil. 85% just can't seem to stay away from an ex girlfriend/boyfriend. At first, it starts fairly casual... ... going out for drinks; maybe dinner or a movie... ... there's talk of keeping it this way, and a "mutual agreement" that things won't get weird... and then the sex comes in. Before either one realize it... they've gotten back together and diving into the problems they had thought they left behind when they had broken up previously.

I know what you're thinking... ... and, yes, it is a bit hypocritical of me to criticize them when I'm doing the same with my ex girlfriends. Easy there. While I may be in communication with them... I know that not only will there never be that kind of opportunity, but I have to see a dramatic change within them before I deem them worthy enough for another chance with me. I'm talking about a checklist of various, specific things that need to be resolved and thoroughly worked on. Yes... this is what I require... and it has taken years of dating experience and one really bad heartbreak to make me this way. But back to the topic at hand...

Why do people consistantly return to their exes despite the hardships that caused them to break up?? Or... lets take it a bit further... ... why delve back into a crush of someone from the past?? I'm not ruling out that it couldn't be made to work out... but these are the reasons why it doesn't:

1) In regards to an ex... you can never... EVER... go back to "the way it was". There is NO "reset" button that will clear all your problems and allow you and that person to be rid of all those tribulations. If he/she cheated... you may never trust them 100% ever again. If they did drugs or drank a lot... ... there's always a worry that they could relapse. If they abused you (whether physically, emotionally, mentally, or spiritually)... there's always going to be a bit of fear within you that keeps you on edge. Because, lets face it... if it happened once, it can, most definitely, happen again. "Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me", correct??

Don't be fooled and blinded by your emotions in WANTING them to change. If you really want to see how things turn out... let them show you how serious they are. Make out a list of goals/requirements for them to accomplish, and if they can submit to it, and consistantly stick to it... by all means release the inhibitions and give in to your emotions. If not... pull back. You're only setting yourself up for another heart ache.

2) For those looking to reconnect with an old crush -- someone you hadn't gone out with, but wish you had... ... the biggest reason why this particular relationship doesn't work is because of how we percieve this person. The reasons why we took crush on them in the first place (all those years ago) are things we're still basing this off of in their present state. How can we see the progress we've made within ourselves and always talk about how "we're sooooo over it" and "so much smarter now" that we can't assume the same about that other person, and realize that the traits we liked about them before may no longer be part of their characteristic repetoire??

Whatever the case may be... this is why those relationships always seem to fall short. We expect them to be that same person of the past. For myself... this is the reason why I have such a long checklist of things that have to be done... because I've already come to realize that I may not even like these people as they are now.


Having said all this, I am reminded by an early rule that Billy Crystal had said best in "When Harry Met Sally"... ... "A man cannot be friends with a woman he finds attractive. He always wants to have sex with her." I will elaborate this on a future post, but as for now, I will leave you with that thought. Do YOU feel that men and women can be "just friends" with or without attraction?? Why or why not??
Feel free to leave your thoughts in the comments.




As always, I thank you for reading, and hope that my words help you on your future relationship encounters.


Much Love --
DrummaRico
The Love Doctor

To Live for Love? Or to Let Love Go to Live?

When it is the best time to move on from a relationship?? Some move on from one person to another in a matter of weeks; even days... while, for some, it takes a longer healing process to be able to open their heart again for another.

There's no specific time process to answer the question that I posed, but more of an internal feeling that you have. I'm the kind of person that lives for Love. I treat each relationship as if it were going to be my last; because, who knows, right?? I don't know if I'll marry the person that I'm currently dating right now... but if it's not thia woman, I'm sure going to set such a high standard for her. lol. My belief is... I don't want to hold anythig back. I hate having "what if" scenarios about past relationships in my head.

"What if I had said 'yes' instead of 'no'??"
"What if I took a right instead of left??"
"What if 'this'..."
"What if 'that'..."

I hate those!! Give each relationship a full 100% shot. For when it IS time to let go... you can look back on it sayin yourself, "I gave it everything I had. I can't be mad at myself for not trying."

This is all in moderation, however.
Obviously, when the relationship is new (anywhere between the first month to six months)... there are still things to get to know from the other before fully commiting. Really analyzing the relationship; the person you're with; the points of views... your flaws, their flaws... ... within that first portion of the relationship, it's a growing experience to see if you can even STAND one another to take it to another intimate level.

But getting back to my question...
There are marriages that have gone 20 years and beyond, and they still fall short and end in divorce. Why??? Marriage is the one level that any and all cards should be placed on the table with BOTH people... and if both aren't willing to show their hands; then there's no point in gambling with your heart. One person cannot be there to struggle to make things work... it takes 2.

Lets go on a lower rung of the relationship ladder...
Lets say you're together for 7 years. That's a long time!! Longer than most people get to be together with one person. The average "long-term" relationship lasts, anywhere, between 2 and 4 years. Beyond that, you're beginning to talk about marriage or, at very least, begun living together in the hopes to crossing into that union. While you are just a couple and not "husband and wife"... where is there a line between standing to fight for the relationship and letting go??

Same as marriage, both people have to be willing to work for the relationship; however, unlike marriage, there are even more petty signs to be aware of during the course. Jealousy, lack of intimacy, constant or unneccessary arguing/bickering... ... when the communication seems to have ceased over time... ... that's when things need to be put into perspective. As I've showed in the previous posting... without that communication, a couple cannot hope to stand the test of time for it is the sturdiest foundation for which to build your relationship off of.

A relationship of this length shouldn't have any of the petty problems that I have just mentioned. None. Jealousy is a form of mistrust; and, frankly, why would you be with someone if you find yourself jealous over whom they talk to or why they talk to them?? Why be with someone you don't trust? Lack of intimacy... ... lets face it... women NEED to have some romance in their life. And I know there are guys like me in the world that love to share it with their lovers... ... and without that level of bonding -- which, once again, can be prevented by a solid form of communication -- it forces the other person's hand in seeking out someone that WILL fulfill that desire needed. Arguing/bickering... ... it is actually medically proven that arguing with your loved one is healthy for your body!! Ceratonin (spelling?) is released within the body and helps cleanse various organs and muscle groups. Interesting, right?? Too much, however, raises blood pressure and your stress; which has counter-productive side effects. Arguing happens. No two people in a relationship are perfect; nor are they perfect for one another... ... so disagreements are bound to come into play; but arguing daily about the aforementioned points I've brought up do no good for either person in the relationship.

I used to have a lot of arguements due to my young, jealous nature. I've learned to trust a bit better in my current relationship endeavors... and when I feel like my trust may be taken advantage of, I make sure that it's the first point to be addressed the next time I talk with the person I'm with. It's just a discussion... not an attack of accusation. I want them to understand that I'm feeling a certain way about actions I've seen or just a general feeling that I'm having. And, these days, with all the friends people can have over the various social networks... it's harder than ever to keep a level head about everything. Once I've made my case, however, and we've discussed it in a way that I know there's no "loop hole" (as most people try to look for) to misunderstand it... the next part becomes a, kind of, testing ground to see if they took what I said to heart or if they're going to blow me off and continue to do what they do.

I would never ask someone to stop being who they are... and if the person that I'm with can't consider my feelings and set, at least, attempt to help the relationship along; I'm not going to be mad about that. It's just a simple case of "We're just not meant to be together". Easy... and you move on.


I understand that being in a long-term relationship makes you establish a certain level of comfort within that person... ... I know EXACTLY how hard it is to let it go and attempt to start over; while trying NOT to base your perception of "love" on the relationship you're just getting out of. I, even, understand how settled a person can be within the routine that they're into... ... but is that how you really want to look at the "love" you've built?? More often than not, the reason for divorce is because of people looking back upon their relationship and realizing that they've "settled" instead of gone out for something they've dreamt for and know they deserve.


So when is the best time to move on from a relationship??

1) When all tactics within your disposal have been exhausted. When you feel you have done any and everything, and there is still no sign of change or improvement.

2) When communication and trust is no longer there. Being jealous is another way of saying, "I don't trust you."; and without ANY kind of communication, whether it be intimate or general, leads the person seeking it to finding another that will fulfill their needs/desires. If you find yourself holding back things because you know it will erupt in a fight, you are not able to be yourself. You are not able to express yourself freely, and that's no way to continue.

3) When arguing consumes your relationship. Remember it's healthy to argue, but not at great lengths or great consistancy; and, ESPECIALLY, not in the beginning of the relationship. If you're already arguing within the first months... there's no reason to progress for the rest of the journey will be nothing but drama-filled.

4) When you feel stiffled from lack of progress. While you've lasted a long time, and are comfortable with that person... you're still arguing or having issues about the same problems over and over. The longer the relationship, the less those petty factors/issues should have any kind of hold on EITHER of you. Jealousy should NEVER come up... intimacy should be in full effect... and the only arguement you seem to have is a playful one over who loves who more? Possibly, even, "grown-up" issues like bills, rent/mortgage, and future. But if you feel like you're not going anywhere, and you are probably not with that right person; yet, fear being alone or starting over... ... it's time to just bite the bullet and start over. This is the instance where you must "Set love free... and if it returns to you, it was meant to be."

5) I didn't get to touch on this, but I feel it's a "gimmie". Whenever you are being abused mentally, physically, emotionally, and spiritually. Nobody deserves to get put down or beaten in ANY aspect. For the ladies in the Central Valley area... if you are being abused, please tell you man not to let me catch them. I have a VERY... very... low tolerance for that... and if I find out who they are and where they are... they get it back on them ten fold. You can ask my female friends that I've done this for. No, they didn't tell me to do it... I found out for myself, and I took it upon myself to teach a man how to ACT like a man, and not hit women.

As for being mentally, emotionally, and spiritually broken... ... there is always a friendly ear for you here and amongst your friends. We, all, can help. Don't even feel like you're not pretty enough, not smart enough... or just not enough, in general. If someone can't see how amazing you are... especially after being together for so long, then they don't deserve you; and you don't deserve to be treated as such.


All of these reasons take time to sort out amongst yourselves. Most of the time, your boyfriend/girlfriend won't even know that something is wrong... which is why it always starts with communication. Talk it out, and if that doesn't seem to help... take the steps you need in order to make it work for yourself. If they're unwilling to work with you; or things don't begin to change in the way you thought they would; or just not change at all, then it's time to let it go.

Long-term status people... it'll be a bit longer for you since you have so much already invested in it; so all the more reason to try and hold on. But never settle. If you feel there's something better for you out there... odds are, there probably is because you're, obviously, not getting everything you deserve.

Whatever route you choose to follow... be sure you're giving everything a 100% effort into it. Being plagued by "what if" scenarios is not fun. lol


As always, I thank you for reading, and good luck on your future loving endeavors.


The Love Doctor--
DrummaRico

Foundations to Love

Talking about love is a lot like talking about politics or religion... ... everybody has their own theories about each, and a reason for each point that they make; which is why most people just don't bother to get into discussions about it.  The biggest arguement I've heard is, "There is more than one way to love"... and that's ALMOST true.  Almost... ... but not quite. 

You can have different methods and paths of how you achieved to feeling such a strong emotion... you could have different standards that you need in that person in order for you to open up to the feeling... ... and the way you met could've even had a factor in how it all came to be... ... but when the dust settles, and the smoke clears, there is a pattern (if you will) to everything.  Even the simplest of rhythms in life, we cannot help but take for granted.

For example... ... lets say your boyfriend/girlfriend has called you everyday at 3pm -- just after getting out of work -- for the first six weeks of your relationship.  When there's a day... for whatever reason... ... that the call isn't placed... ... your mind can't help but go into this overdrive of questions as to why they might not have called.  Are they mad?... Did something happen to them?... Did they just stay late?... etc, etc.  A simple rhythm that can take an abrupt negative turn. 

Love works in the same way.  I mentioned in the prior posting that there are signs everywhere that can tell you at any tme during that relationship whether or not if the person you're with is capable of being trusted on that kind of level, and if they're going to be giving you the same amount of affection in return that you give to them.  Love is a rhythm that you must allow your heart to align with in order to coincide with all of its' blissful rewards, once embraced;  but it doesn't take just your heart... it takes the understanding of both hearts. 

There are five main pillars, for which, to structure the foundation of the love that you look to build.  Repeat... ... I said... five... MAIN PILLARS.  Meaning that love is not subject to JUST these five... ... but if you look to have a successful attempt at achieving love, these are a MUST in your constructing plans. 

And they are... (as I put in MY opinion from lowest to highest priority):

Physical Appearance/Features

Stability (Mental, Financial, Social, and Emotional)

Intelligence

Attitude/Personality

Communication

*Please feel free to comment your opinion about the order of these five. 



Now... ... before you begin to blow up and debate my comment section, let me, first, explain why I have them in this particular order. 

Physical Appearance/Features

“The first things I notice are the eyes.”

“The thing that means most for me is a good personality.”

“I noticed their smile first.”

“Physical appearance has no influence on how I judge them."

Wow.  Is that a load of bullshit or what?

            Sure, I can believe that you noticed their smile and their eyes first, but right after that you took a tour three feet below their chin to see what that person was working with.  Personality means more??  Give us all a break.  For those that have seen the movie, Harold and Kumar go to White Castle, you know within yourselves that if someone like Freakshow came up to you trying to have a conversation, and began hitting on you, you’d run out of the bar or club screaming to high heaven.  Personality is very important, but it comes AFTER the physical features.  If they weren’t remotely cute, you wouldn’t want to take that chance to discover what kind of personality they had.  The hotter or more attractive a person is, the less you could care if they were boring and dull or adventurous and outgoing.

Unfortunately, whether we want to admit it or not, we are all shallow in our way of thinking.  Television, radio, movies, and any other form of propaganda have gone for years with the mindset “sex sells”, and it works out VERY well for them.  What that has ultimately done for us as people is put those beautiful models and celebrities on a plateau of standards which we judge all people on.  Tall, athletic, slender, tone, or rippled bodies are the pinnacle of the human form now.  They are always the ones you notice walking into a room.  The big breasts, the massive, muscular arms; the ones with swaying hips, and long, slender legs; the ones with dimples in their cheeks when they smile, and a cut-off shirt so that you know they workout… they just have this presence about them that makes people’s heads turn.   What you don’t notice is that these are the people that will, more than likely, treat you the worst.  These people are usually self-involved, and selfish.  

I'm not saying that everybody is shallow to this specific type of person.  A good friend of mine LOVES the BBW's (big beautiful women).  His ideal woman is short -- and I mean, shorter than 5'4" -- and weighs more than 200lbs.  That's his limit.  He shudders to think of a woman skinnier than that.  Taller, he could deal with, but he needs the weight class.  Not to delve into my personal tastes, but I will just say this:  I have my limits.  I don't have a specific type that I look for, or a specific weight class to be over or under.  I've dated tall, short, size-zeros and full-figured women.  MY whole stance is... if you can hold a conversation with me... keep my attention without having me wonder, "What kind of scenario can I bring up that could excuse myself from this as politely as possible?"... ... I'm pretty  much willing to go to any level you'd like to take it.  I'll keep an open mind. 

In any event... no matter what your taste is... physical attraction DOES play a factor in building that relationship.  There are certain lines you won't cross, and that's natural... ... but don't put yourself in a scenario that leads you grasping on to any and every morsel of connection so that you can stay together just for the sake of comortability.  All it does is lead the other one on, and makes you emotionally cut off until you can gain the courage to leave... ... or sabotage the relationship so that you won't have to end the relationship yourself.  Above all... ... don't give the lame excuse "It's not you it's me"... ... or the "I don't wanna ruin our friendship".  Those are worse than a shot to the face of our ego.  Be real.  "I'm just not attracted to you".  Yes... it seems harsh... ... but, there ARE qualities or features that we just don't find attractive.  It happens.  Be honorable and do what's right in keeping it honest.

Stability

Wow... ... so many sub-factors pour into this one structure; which makes it a wonder why it's not the #1 on the totem.  Hopefully, I'll be able to show you a clear understanding of why this is.   

Mental/Emotional Stability --

They cannot help but to coincide.  If the mind and heart are in sync with one another -- a flowing harmony on the inside -- it is inevitable that THAT harmony will be returned from your surrounding world.  This is more for those aged 16 through 26...

We have so many different factors going on in our lives during this time.  We have school, work, family, phsical fitness... wanting to start our career, wanting to move out... paying off loans and tuition, paying for bills... ... finding love, and obtaining it SHOULDN'T be one of those stresses, right??  This age bracket is the most susceptible to anxiety attacks and depression because of all these things piling on; and all these stresses distract the mind from being able to reason with the heart about what you NEED versus what you WANT. 

Aside from everyday, individual stresses... ... there are not-so-ordinary stresses that could play a factor as well, and deviate from knowing just HOW to love.  Like someone being hurt from a long-term relationship... ... someone who watched their parents go through a divorce... or someone that was brought up thinking that "love" meant being dominant, aggressive, and making the other more like a slave than a lover.  Baby mama/daddy drama is more commonly found nowadays as well.

It is when we've found a balance within ourselves, and within the one we choose to be with that a "sane" foundation can look to be built.  If someone was always whining about their baby drama... or their school... or any one of these factors... how long would you be able to put up with it??  How long would you be willing to give them to fix it so that you may move onward??  And, what if, it distracts you from your own turmoil??  You can live in the moments with your boyfriend or girlfriend, but sooner or later you have to face your reality... ... and when you do, it'll effect the relationship you're trying to build. 

The phrase I like to use in this scenario is, "Do what you HAVE to do now... so that you can do what you're MEANT to do later."  Take care of your business.  Especially at this age.  Just have fun with whom you're with... and focus on the things that'll help you in the, much, longer run. 

Financial --

Lets face it... ... everybody needs this.  Man or woman... teen or adult... ... single or long-term... ... while you may not need ALL the finer things in life, you still need money to be able to do things with yourself.  To pay off your bills and loans, to get out of your parent's house, or take your date out.  It is one of the biggest stress factors that anyone of ANY age can encounter.  So find that job that makes you happy doing it, or get the education you need to have the career that you want.  Above all... learn how to budget that responsibility.  lol

Social --

Once you've stabilized the aforementioned sub-points... your social-life should be right on the track you need it to be.  Why wouldn't you have confidence in yourself when you're financially taken care of, and passed all the drama you dealt within during pre-teen and young-adult years?? 

Bottom line, though.. ... some people are just socially awkward.  They don't know how to interact with people... or read them in a way so that they won't offend them with their particular style of humor.  Or being over-weight has closed you off from social interaction.  Again... once you have taken control of yourself... you can take control of that fear/awkwardness and present yourself in a manner that you're comfortable with.  Without a social stability, how are we able to meet that man or woman of our dreams??

Intelligence

The SAT’s, ACT’s, ASVAB, and even the BAR; some of the world’s best tools for measuring the IQ one possesses, but if someone that has never done a day’s homework in their life scores higher than the Valedictorian of Harvard Law what does that tell you??  Congratulations on your hard work at achieving that honor and all, Mr. /Ms. Valedictorian, but a lot of times, it’s not about having the book-smarts that matter.  Someone who pledged a life of celibacy can take all the sexual education classes in the world, but the person whom has experienced it first hand would have a better explanation of how having an emotional connection and intimacy enhances the act of sex.

Having the knowledge of what to say about a subject is only half the battle.  Knowing when to state it is the other.  You can’t speak upon a subject that you have little to no knowledge of.  What ends up happening is you’ll ramble trying to bullshit your way out of the topic at hand, and ultimately make yourself look stupid.  Ironic, isn’t it??  You talk to try to make yourself look/sound smart, but end up looking the fool. 

Intelligence is a delicate subject to try and bring up.  You don’t want to use all of your knowledge up in one encounter.  Not only will you seem pompous and a show off, but you also run the risk of making your significant other feel less superior.  Be sure that, if you show off everything you’ve ever learned, then, don’t expect a phone call for a second date.

When it comes to the opposite sex, be sure you’re doing your homework about them.  If they’re into astronomy, be sure you can name the (now) 8 planets and some major constellations; if they’re into botany, learn the names of flowers.  For more of a challenge, learn their scientific name.  While it may not be an area you particularly like or find interesting, learning more can help that process along to make that subject something you both will have in common in the future. 

Most of all use your intelligence to be creative!!  Flowers and candy on a date is so cliché, and CAN work, but do something to be ORIGINAL.  Not only will it stand out more for the person you're with, but it'll make for a more memorable experience with yourself.  Seeing their face light up in such a way has an effect on the memory, and just seems to embed itself within you. 

Attitude/Personality

If “LOVE” were a car, it would be a stretch limo with physical features in the front seat and personality deep in the back seat.  In fact, personality is in the trunk just waiting for its opportunity; banging and screaming to be given a chance to show just what they’re all about. 

Personality really reflects upon a person’s attitude.  The more confidence you have within yourself the better you’ll be able to present yourself.  Charisma is soon to follow.  Confidence is like a vocal lubricant and allows your words to pour out smoothly like wine seems to flow from bottle to glass.  Too much exploitation of confidence, however, will be looked upon as cockiness or arrogance. 

In order to find that balance within yourself, you have to accept your imperfections/flaws (yes, yes, I know it’s hard to believe, but you DO have flaws).  Accepting that you have flaws as well as extricating the positives you have about you shows a kind of humbleness to you, but also confidence.  It’s as if saying, “Yeah, I’m not perfect, but this is what I have going on for me.  Take it or leave it.”  This is not easy.  A lot of people truly look at themselves and can’t pick out one thing about them that they find wrong; when, in fact, that’s a flaw in itself.  To know whether or not you’re one of those people, ask yourself this question:

If there was one (or more) thing(s) you could change about yourself, what would it be?

Now just because you were able to answer that question doesn’t make you any better than the one who couldn’t.  If you answered more than just one thing that you’d change about yourself, that shows an insecurity within yourself, as well as, singles out your lack of confidence.  To successfully give off the aura of confidence to others, you must first control it within yourself.  Sounds Barney the Dinosaur-like, but you must love yourself.  Love yourself in order to truly be able to give yourself away to be loved. 

It is this trait that I, dearly, wish we were all judged upon first, and not by our external appearance.  While you can get passed a person not having money, being socially awkward, or being a "6" instead of an "8" or "10".  But without a good, positive attitude/personality... being caring, sensitive, understanding, and strong... ... what else would the person you're looking towards have to hold on to??  I'm pretty sure that a mindless robot is not the pinnacle of attraction otherwise... vibrators and "fleshlights" would looked at to be given some sort of artificial intelligence. 

Without the right personality or attitude... there can be no chemistry.  Without chemistry... there's no intimacy; which means... no love.  So learn which traits are your strengths, and which are your weaknesses, and find a balance between all of it.  Don't do it for them... do it for yourself; and don't believe so blindly in changing someone for the better.  If they can't do it for themselves... they surely won't do it for you... ... and, if it happens that they do... it's only temporary.  When the relationship is over... everything goes back to square one. 

Communication

Now... ... after having read allllll of that.  Can you guess why this point is the most important??  The first 4 are merely tools to work on for each individual person.  Think of them as the 4 walls to making a house. But before a house can be built... what does it need?  A level foundation for which to help hold those walls up.  This is the starting point, for which, that rhythm of the relationship is found.  This is the basis for ALL things in a loving relationship.  Even when you have all the other 4 balanced and well in hand... this is where it all glues together and takes shape.  And lets say you're out there looking to date someone... and, with the balance of the other 4 points you have chemistry forming... ... from that chemistry, you've built an intimacy... through that intimacy, you've grown accustomed to and adore each others' flaws, and accept them for who they are... ... and at the end you have "love".  But to each progression... it takes communication to get there.

You need communication for that first interaction... you need it to become intimate and talk about the things you both are looking for out of the relationship... ... you need communication to work out those issues that may take more than just an "understanding" of them... ... communication to assure each other that you both are growing... ...

The list just goes on and on; and I'm only talking about the bigger transitions of the relationship!!

When the communication is open and honest... with no reprocussions... there's nowhere that the relationship can't go.  Nowhere.  Equally important in communication... ... openness and honesty NEED to be felt. If you don't feel like you can be yourself with your boyfriend or girlfriend... or you can't express your opinion without sparking a fight or misunderstanding... you just close down, and shut them out.  What happens then??  Well... you start looking for other people to talk to.  What happens after that??  Emotions begin diminishing as the intimacy begins to fade to another; and, then, ultimately... the relationship ends.  All because of a failure to communicate. 

I think I heard you think out loud to yourself a while back... "Hey... what about trust and loyalty"??Hang on... I'm getting to it.  lol. 

Through this communication comes that rhythm; and ONLY through this communication are you able to keep that rhythm from faultering.  Keeping everything out in the open... making it honest from the beginning... ... you learn a new level of trust and intimacy; and through those comes an unwavering sense of loyalty to one another.  When you are both on the same page about everything... and you can openly talk about things you may not like or things that hurt or bothered you... ... that trust begins to manifest through your actions.  As I mentioned in my previous post... you start seeing where those forbidden lines are drawn, and make it a point to steer very clear of them.  You make decisions, almost, subconsciouly and selflessly for one another. 

With communication feeding into your trust... ... all the doubt washes away.  All the jealousy you've felt from past relationships... all the insecurities... all the worries if a future still looks plausible... ... they're all laid to rest with that strong sense of communication. 

The biggest mistake about communication is underestimating that the opposite sex is only hearing your words.  While they may hearing what you have to say, you body is what they could be really listening to.  Not just small gestures and physical interaction... ... but your actions in general.  Actions really do speak louder than words.  Do you know that song... ... "If you wanna know if he loves you so, it's in his kiss..." ??  A kiss, a hug... ... even a specific look into their eyes... ... it allows you to transfer that energy of emotion that you feel without having to put it in the simple phrase, "I love you".   It's unfortunate, but it seems that "I love you" deminishes in value over the course of time.  It becomes routine till those words are no longer valid... ... but SHOWING that you love someone.  That holds its' value better than a Honda Civic (lol) and it helps to maintain the message that you still hold an exponential amount of loving emotion for them.  Hence... leaves out the deminishing value of words. 

That's what it takes.  A TREMENDOUS amount of self-reflect and self improvement... ... and then LOTS of working together in communication in growing that connection between the 2 of you.  Honest... open communication, folks. 

I look forward to hearing back on your theories about this, and your comments in general. 

Till next time... I thank you for reading.

The Love Doctor --

DrummaRico