4 Points in Knowing "Love"

Have you ever watched your friends on Facebook posting hour, after hour, about how "in love" they are... how "he/she understands me soooo much"... that they're "so happy to have found such an unconditional love" after just getting together with their boyfiend/girlfriend within just a few, short weeks???  I'm sorry... but it, absolutely, DRIVES ME NUTS!!

I know, I know... ... nobody can tell you whether or not you're "in love", right??  No.  I'm not doubting that you have loving emotions towards a person, but I can definitely tell whether or not you're IN love with a person versus simply loving that person... and I have helped countless friends open their eyes and their minds in order to see this simple fact. 

First... ... lets just get the obvious ones out of the way.  There is NO such thing as "Love at first sight".  Correction... there's no such thing as "TRUE LOVE at first sight".  You can have an enfatuation, you can be very attracted, you can be smitten, crush on them, and be totally enamored by the face value of that person... ... but you can't say you're TRULY "in love" with them.  A "true love" comes from far too many variables that just cannot be accounted for within the first few hours of meeting a person of interest.  Even when that first day/encounter/date is over... you can only "love" but a few things about them -- how they made you feel, how comfortable you are around them... sensitivity and various other qualities... ... but when all is said and done, you don't know that person from any other guy/girl you may have come across; and, yes, there IS a difference between loving somebody and being IN love with someone. 

For example:  you can love your family -- your brother, sister, mom and dad... ...  you can love your friends, and (like your family) do anything for them; including taking a bullet for them and dying for them.  But unless you're from the South (yes... ... a stereotyping joke.  ha ha), there's more than just 99% chance that you're interested in anything more than the relationship you have with them.  I'm pretty sure I can safely say that you don't want to marry ANY one of your family members OR your best friends. 

To be IN love with someone means fulfilling a list of qualities, and accepting an even bigger list of flaws within that other person.  It's a sense of completion towards another person... and, actually, I'm getting ahead of myself.  I will address these by the end of the message here. 

So... recap ... Number 1:  NO "true love at first sight".  Impossible to be IN love with someone after just 1 day of meeting them.  There is only "lust at first sight".  You really gotta KNOW that person first.

Second point... ... know the difference between falling in love with the person, and falling in love with the feeling.  "People who truly loved once are far more likely to love again".  I have always thought that first love and the last love are the most genuine.  With the first love... everything building up to that love is so new and innocent; especially between 2 people that have never transcended to that emotion before.  You both grow together... ... taking each level very carefully, and working through each of those levels together.  It's such a pure and beautiful thing.  This kind of love is also known as the "high school crush"... as this course is more commonly found in people aged 16 through 18.   

Once it ends (if it ends) it leaves a hole in the heart that takes a good deal of time to get over, and because of that love that was lost... you tend to misconstrue all concept of "love" and how it's supposed to go.  It's inevitable that you base future relationships and emotional growth off of that first love; and, therefore, cannot accurately assess what it takes to reach and attain that "true love".  Just because a person makes you feel comfortable talking with them and divulging intimate information; doesn't mean they're capable of being trusted on that intimate level.  Don't allow yourself to become blinded by this kind of "love".  I'm sure we are all very well aware just how easy it can be to attach to someone emotionally when we are in such a vulnerable state of mind.  There are signs everywhere to be able to see if whether or not a person is capable of being trusted (which I will post in a later blog)... ... hopefully you will always keep your eyes open to them.

Which brings me to the last love that I mentioned.  In the journey of finding "last love" you should be well aware of the tricks and tactics used from the opposite sex to weed out the ones that you know don't fit with the kind of person you're looking for.  Its usually duing the time period just after high school and during college that the mind gets so cluttered with various stresses.  Stresses such as working, tuition, being able to get a place of your own, your homework and classes; and, even, being in shape has made its' way to become one of the main stress factors nowadays.  With all those factors eating away at you... it's hard to tell exactly what you NEED to compliment your love lifestyle. 

We all have a fantasy list of what we WANT and DESIRE... ... but once those factors are taken care of... once you've completed school, gotten your own place, paid off loans and tuition bills, and began a stable career with a bright finanical future... ... your mind turns on that switch to be able to see who can fulfill the other half to you.  The one that COMPLIMENTS your life... ... rather than BECOMES your life.  One that doesn't have to depend on your paycheck, but can help take care of the financial duties; that has confidence and strength of character enough to know what it means to have a good person right in front of them, and not have those jealous tendencies that all insecure, player-type have.  It is after all these trials and tribulations that you have a well-rounded understandng of the game of love -- and, yes, it is a game -- and use it to your advantage to find that perfect person for yourself.  The "last love".  The one that surpassed all accounts and have proven themselves to be worthy of growing into that "true love" plateau. 

So that's Number 2:  DO NOT confuse being "in love" with a person to being "in love" with the feeling of "being in love".  Take time with everything... analyze your intuition about the relationship, and never hold back on trying to make it better.  Make sure that they're everything you need... and nothing you expected.  Don't ever settle for a past feeling... ... always grow from it. 


Third point... ... You will NEVER fully understand the capabilities and pureness of a "true love" by finding and chatting with someone over the internet.  However... there is an amendment to this point... ... once the internet relationship has made its' journey to where both people are now in physical contact with one another; THEN the possiblity may present itself. 

When a relationship is strickly confined to just phone talk and interent conversation... it's IMPOSSIBLE to say that you are "truly in love".  First off... ... it's hard to trust ANYbody that you meet in the physical world.  Your first impression of them could be (and, most of the time, is) a lie... ... you don't know if they're independent or clingy; don't know if they're financially stable and have lots of money despite how many drinks they've bought or the clothes they wear.  I know guy who dotes on his girlfriend with anything she might want (clothing-wise)... ... but he complains about spending $5 on gas just to give her a ride to and from his apartment.  Doesn't make sense, does it?  Why spend $100 or so on clothes if you can't afford $5 for a gallon and a half of gas to be able to spend INTIMATE time with your lady?? 

Anyways... ... everybody has their dark side; and while meeting someone online or through phone connections, you never fully get to see just how dark that person is.  You can usually sense a tone in their voice when they're annoyed or aggravated, but never get to see how climactic it can be.  They could be abusive... controlling... ... shoot... they could've killed someone in their past.  You never know.  They could be younger or older than they say... ... could've altered their data so you don't know their true physical attributes... ... their whole life displayed on the Facebook, Twitter, and MySpace could be false!!!  And to say that you're "in love" with someone that you've never met?!?!  Come on.  You should be smarter than that.  But, again... ... once that relationship changes to where you can be physically together... ... the possibility of achieving that "true love" becomes more of a reality.  And, no, I'm not talkng about sex.  I'm talking about just being with each other.  Spending time together.  Just because you can chat online or on the phone, doesn't mean you have that same flow of conversation in person.  You might think they're BORING in person.  Who knows??  But that's what it takes.  That social interaction to seal the growth. 


So... ... Number 3 recap:  internet reationships CANNOT reach that "true love" plateau UNLESS they have made the move to a physical-contact relationship.  Truly lovin someone means knowing someone on ALL levels... not just mentally and emotionally.  You gotta have physical contact and interaction. 


The fourth, and final point that I'll mention in this entry... ... there is no such thing as "Unconditional Love".  At least not between 2 people.  For the sake of time (as I have been writing, now, for an hour) lets just simply break down that phrase so that you know what I am talking about.

"Love" -- simple enough (and I'll be giving the definition of a TRUE love).  It's a total completeness of emotion with the person you share that relationship with.  It lets you know where the line is drawn without having the other draw it out for you.  Like, for instance, you know that it's unacceptable to take phone calls of the opposite sex past a certain hour of the day... ... or take a call when you're spending intimate time together.  You have no interest in making more friends of the opposite sex.  NONE.  You can have coworkers and collegues that you may need to be in touch with every now and again... you may have post grad classes where you need to stay in touch with for projects and assignments... ... but you know that once the conversation is anything but work or school related, there's no need to drag it on.  Conversation... ... over.  That true love allows you the common sense to know that... ... to be complete... ... means working together through anything through the simplest and strongest foundation that love is built on:  communication.  Free... open... honest... communicaton... ... and knowing that you don't have to hold back with one another.  Knowing that you can be yourself, and say what you need to without reprocussion of your character.   That's true love. 

"Unconditional" -- unwavering; unfaultering.  Without conditions. 

With love, however, (even true love)... ... there ARE conditions.  If you still doubt me... ... let me just as you one thing:  Would you still be able to truly love someone if you found out that they just cheated on you?? 

There ARE conditions with love.  Period.  To achieve love you cannot cheat... you cannot flirt with others of the opposite sex... ... again... lots of boundaries.  The only time an "unconditional love" applies is between parents and their children.  Mother and daughter; father and son; and vice versa.  There are no conditions for loving your child... ... even when screaming how they hate you or wish you weren't there... ... you hold no grudges or hold back the love you hold for them.  They get in trouble... possibly go to jail... ... you're still there for them when they're let out. 

Sorry, folks.  Don't mean to burst your bubble... but "unconditional love" does not, and will never, apply to your relationship. 


So those are the 4 main points that I wanted to bring up this time around.  Mostly because there are certain people on my Facebook page that I would LOVE to vent this out to, but know that it's just in one ear and out the other with them; as, I'm sure, most of my posts on this subject will be addressed from.  lol.


Till next time... I thank you for reading, and I hope it helps you in your future love journey.


The Love Doctor --
DrummaRico