The Aftermath

           
            Neil Sedaka sang it best: “Breaking up is hard to do”.  Whether you’re the victim of the break-up or the initiator of it; it’s not easy.  As the initiator, we battle with the decision within ourselves.  Constantly thinking:  “Should I stick with it?”, “Is it worth the hardships?”, “How strongly do I really feel for this person?”, “Can we get through this?”, “How am I going to break the news to him/her?”  From the victim’s point of view they can feel that it’s coming.  The aura oozing from their significant other is at such a low point, and they can feel the negativity pouring out of them.  The “Spidey sense” is just tingling, but they’re just not sure as to what’s causing the problem at hand; most of the time the victims rarely see that anything is wrong.  As the victim, they parade around the day thinking about how lucky they are to have found someone so great, that someone they connect so well with, and about much longer they’ll have to endure the long drought periods which they haven’t talked or seen their boyfriend/girlfriend.  Which ever side you’re on you must be prepared nonetheless. 
 

For the Initiator:

          Let’s just be honest about it: you know well beforehand that you’re going to break up with someone before you finally go through with it.  You’ve probably thought about it at least a week in advance.  The key to building a strong relationship is having good communication.  If you really want the relationship to work out, you have to let the other know what it is that’s bothering you.  The only reason that you’ve been brought to the point to where you can’t take it anymore is because you didn’t have the courage to just step up, open your mouth, and tell them how you really felt about everything.  If your boyfriend/girlfriend is really into you, odds are, they’ll come to a compromise with you about whatever it was that you had a problem with, and you could continue the relationship.  That is IF you really want it to last, and, let’s face it, if you’re in a relationship it’s because you do want it to last... …otherwise you wouldn’t have gotten into it to begin with, right?

            If your relationship problems are getting to the point where you’re going to go insane with the things that are in front of you, then, yes, get out of the relationship.  Don’t hesitate and drag it on.  The longer you go without saying the thing you mean to say at the moment you mean to say it will only hurt the other even worse.  It’s painful enough having to endure the silence; and, all the while, know that something’s wrong.  Set them down, be honest, but be as sensitive as you can be.  The whole, “It’s not you, it’s me” speech has been played out, so don’t run that line.  That entire phrase says is: “Yes… it is you”. 
 
Saying, ”I hope we can still be friends” is also a killer.  Just because you have lost your feelings for the other doesn’t mean that they have, also, lost theirs.  The only time you can truly be friends after any kind of boyfriend/girlfriend relationship is if you were already friends to begin with before you had gotten together.  That’s the ONLY time, and even then, it’s a stretch.  Depending on how deep you got yourself within the relationship determines if you will, in fact, be able to turn on the friendship again.  For example: if you met, dated for a while, and then made it official; sorry, but there is a slim-to-none chance that you will be able to become friends still afterwards.  It goes back to the beginning of “Men and Women can never truly be friends”.  Even after the end of a relationship one or the other will still feel something towards another.  It’s usually the victim that has those feelings, and they’re the ones that will say, “Sure... we’ll always be friends”; however, that statement is tainted; tainted with the hope that they will inevitably carry with themselves into the “Friendship”.  They’ll use that friendship to remain in contact, to regain that closeness that they, as a couple, had once felt before, and to (hopefully) get back together.  That’s what they want in the end: to repair the damage set to their heart by becoming an item again. 

Initiators… if you really, truly want to be friends with the person that you’re letting go, then you have to truly let them go.  Give them time to recuperate.  Don’t call them just one week after you’ve broken up with them.  That will only present a false hope within them that signals that you might still be interested.  “Out of sight; out of mind”… that’s how it has to be.  They either have to totally get over their feelings for you, or be committed in a new relationship before they will be comfortable enough with themselves to be in your presence without having the thoughts, “What does this mean?”, “Does he/she still like me?”, and other thoughts significant to the relevancy of a non-existent feeling in the other. 
 
For the Victims:
 
               When the end comes, that’s it.  It’s over.  Whether it was something that you said or did, something about your personality that they just didn’t connect with, or maybe it was something about themselves that they found out stating that they just weren’t ready to be in a relationship.  It happens all the time.  Whatever the case may have been… there’s no changing it.  I know, I know… you can hope for the change; that some miracle will come along, and turn everything to be exactly the way it was.  When you two were together, when nothing else mattered, and you felt at ease with everything instead of being in this state of mind, in which, you wonder how you’re going to get through the next few months as your grief just seems to pile upon itself. 

            “Don’t let your relationship define the person that you are”, remember that?  Before you became involved with this person, you had a goal in mind.  School, a career change or move… whatever it was you still have that going on about yourself.  You have friends, too.  Despite how many times you deserted them to be with your man/woman, a friend (a TRUE friend) never gives up on you; never gives up on being your friend.  This is the time where you’ll need them the most, and the time when you’ll see whom your friends really are, and those that weren’t. 

            There will be moments of weakness where you’ll want to pick up the phone just to hear their voice and see how things are going.  DON’T DO IT!!  Be stronger than that.  If you think about calling them, call a friend or a relative instead.  Let them know how you’re feeling.  Keep the ball of this “love game” in your hands… don’t pass it off to your ex.  That will give them the upper hand in knowing that they still have you.  When I say “have you”, I mean that they are in control of your emotions.  Darth Vader said unto his son, Luke, “Your thoughts betray you”, and that’s what your emotions and thoughts can do to you as well.  They’ll give up your control over the situation.  Giving in to talking, seeing, and calling your ex will give them the opportunity to use the “Yo-yo effect”.  

A lot of people begin living a lie that they create for themselves.  A lot of variables come in this statistic.  It boils down to how long you’ve been in the relationship, how long you’ve known them, and how strong of a person you are.  The one thing I know that is certain, and it doesn’t matter what kind of person you are, if you’ve been in a relationship six months or more, you will not get over it any time soon.  It won’t take days or weeks.  It’ll take months even years in some cases.  That’s okay.  Deal with it.  Do whatever you have to do, but DO NOT lie to yourself about being over it.  That’s the worse thing you can do.  Lying only prevents the truth from eventually biting you in the ass later on.  

Before you go through with announcing that you’re, in fact, over your heartache; be sure that you are truly over it.  Then, and only then, you will be able to resume communication and try the task of becoming friends.  If somewhere within you there’s a shadow of hope that you could turn the “Friendship” to become something more, walk away.  All you will be doing is setting yourself up for more heartache because sooner or later you will soon come to realize that you’re the only one with those feelings.  You’ll come to a point in the “Friendship” where you’ll get this great vibe from him/her.  It’ll trick you into thinking something can start up between you two again, and when you get the courage to tell them how you feel, and how you want them back, that’s when it’ll come out that you were alone in your way of thought. 

You have come to notice that I have quoted the word “Friendship”.  The reason is simple: you are not really friends.  When there are emotions involved with it, it’s not a true friendship because one or the other wants more from the relationship at hand.  Even if it’s something as simple as a kiss the “Friendship” is tainted with the desire to want more.  We all know the chain of sexual actions, right?
 

THE CHAIN OF SEXUAL ACTIVITY
1)      Starts off with a hug
2)      A hug leads to a kiss on the cheek
3)      Kiss on the cheek leads to wanting one on the lips
4)      Kiss on the lips leads to a make-out session
5)      Make-out sessions lead to soft touching/caressing
6)      Soft touching/caressing leads to the “wandering kiss*”
7)      The “wandering kiss” leads to aggressive touching
8)      Aggressive touching leads to dry humping or “over the clothes sex”
9)      “Over the clothes sex” leads to (the big finale) sex


*Wandering kiss – (v) -- kissing around the ear, neck, and chest.  Basically kissing anywhere that’s not the lips
   


The moment we make contact with this activity we can’t help but want to see if there’s a possibility that we could take it up to the next activity until we’ve gotten to that final stage.  Some of us do have self control, however.  The Good Guys will try to get as high as step #4.  Any further on the list, and we’d have to know them very intimately and be in a strong relationship.  The average level that people will reach is step #6, and then their shield (or wall) will come up saying, “Whoa… taking things a bit too fast.”

The longer the relationship; the more intimate you come to know a person; in general, the stronger the feeling you feel for someone the longer it will take before you’ll able to face your ex.  The world can be a very small place, and you’re bound to run into your ex at one point or another.  When that time comes, don’t show you’re hurt.  Keep it casual, be cordial, and be brief.  Don’t make it a point to stick around to try to make conversation.  A simple “Hey, how are you?” is sufficient enough.  I mean, do you really want to know what they’ve been up to?  Asking about their recent endeavors could put you in an awkward situation, and could force your bottled up emotions to be displayed.  Again, “Hey, how are you?”… After that you praise their well being with “Oh, that’s good” and close it immediately with “Well, I have to get going.  Nice seeing you again”.  Short… simple… and, above all, keeps you in control of yourself and the situation.  If they persist in keeping the conversation going, stress the fact that you have to be on the move, but to have them call you later.  This may sound cruel, but when, or IF, they do call you later, don’t answer.  You know how they’re doing, and that’s they are “Fine”.  What else could you possibly want to know? 

            Remember, be strong, and stick to your guns.  It’s maddening, I know, to sit there at your caller ID and seeing their name and number show up on it, but not answering the call.  It hurts.  This is where your friends come in.  Tell them about the day, and your interaction with each other.  Don’t give in to picking up the phone and talking to them, though. 
           
When all else fails, remember this:
 
“Everything comes together in the end, and if it hasn’t come together then it’s not the end.”
                                                                                                            -Richard Flores Jr.


This is my favorite quote in the world, and it has helped me through my darkest of times.  There are bigger and better things out there for you, and you have to keep pursuing the things that will be the better for you in the long run.
 


Getting Back in the Mix:
 
This next phase is getting back onto the dating scene, and letting the world know that you’re available and comfortable to date again.  Just like your ex can tell that you’re still into him/her; the world can tell when you have a lingering emotion about an ex.  So when taking this plunge, remember: be sure that you’re truly over everything.
           

So now you’re starting over.  This is not just another chance to find that right person.  This is a chance to redefine you.  You are not the same person you were before you and your former boyfriend/girlfriend got together.  Use the knowledge that you gained from the previous relationship to your advantage.  You deserve the best, and the best person for you is out there waiting.  Don’t settle for anything less.  Keep your wits about you.  You know what you’re looking for and what you want in a man.  Obviously the last one didn’t have all those qualities, so someone approaching with those same characteristics is already on your “liability” radar. 

    Don’t worry about rushing back into this scene.  It’s difficult enough playing this game without the emotions that you’ll be carrying with you this first time around.  Take things one step at a time.  Be sure your first night on the scene is with a group of friends; at least five or so.  As you get more and more comfortable the number of people within the group can diminish until you are to the point where you’ll (maybe) go by yourself.  Surround yourself with positive energy, and feed off of it.  Don’t think about talking/meeting someone.  Just let go of all the built of frustration and stress, and have fun with it.