In the desloation of the night it is easy to find our mind wandering...
Even though our bodies are winding down after a long day of working, cleaning, and various other mundane activity; our minds seem to have drank some kind of energy drink and are fueled with hundreds of thoughts that, often times, keep us from falling asleep at that reasonable hour. Lots of "what ifs", past conversations and scenarios... ... wondering what the future might hold, and if what we're doing now is the right thing to do in order to ensure the correct path has been set in front of us.
I, myself, find myself going over my past relationship endeavors. What I might've done wrong; what I should've seen from the beginning... ... relationships that weren't given a fair chance, and relationships that lasted too long for their own good. Wondering what some of them may be doing now, if they, possibly, think of me... ... happy that I am no longer in contact with some, and curious with the ones that I'm in contact with still. Why confused, you may ask??
To put it in the simplest terms... ... I don't keep them around and within communication just because I enjoy a conversation with them. They're there because there's still a lingering emotion about them, and a, kind of, yearning of what could happen with them if the possibility may present itself that we could get back together once more. Is this a smart thing to do?? Absolutely not. But being a single man with a memory that seems to absorb EVERYTHING about my past girlfriends... I cannot help what my mind chooses to bring up at the peak of its' midnight performance period.
This issue is one that I face, at least, a few times a month when talking to my closest friends about their relationship turmoil. 85% just can't seem to stay away from an ex girlfriend/boyfriend. At first, it starts fairly casual... ... going out for drinks; maybe dinner or a movie... ... there's talk of keeping it this way, and a "mutual agreement" that things won't get weird... and then the sex comes in. Before either one realize it... they've gotten back together and diving into the problems they had thought they left behind when they had broken up previously.
I know what you're thinking... ... and, yes, it is a bit hypocritical of me to criticize them when I'm doing the same with my ex girlfriends. Easy there. While I may be in communication with them... I know that not only will there never be that kind of opportunity, but I have to see a dramatic change within them before I deem them worthy enough for another chance with me. I'm talking about a checklist of various, specific things that need to be resolved and thoroughly worked on. Yes... this is what I require... and it has taken years of dating experience and one really bad heartbreak to make me this way. But back to the topic at hand...
Why do people consistantly return to their exes despite the hardships that caused them to break up?? Or... lets take it a bit further... ... why delve back into a crush of someone from the past?? I'm not ruling out that it couldn't be made to work out... but these are the reasons why it doesn't:
1) In regards to an ex... you can never... EVER... go back to "the way it was". There is NO "reset" button that will clear all your problems and allow you and that person to be rid of all those tribulations. If he/she cheated... you may never trust them 100% ever again. If they did drugs or drank a lot... ... there's always a worry that they could relapse. If they abused you (whether physically, emotionally, mentally, or spiritually)... there's always going to be a bit of fear within you that keeps you on edge. Because, lets face it... if it happened once, it can, most definitely, happen again. "Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me", correct??
Don't be fooled and blinded by your emotions in WANTING them to change. If you really want to see how things turn out... let them show you how serious they are. Make out a list of goals/requirements for them to accomplish, and if they can submit to it, and consistantly stick to it... by all means release the inhibitions and give in to your emotions. If not... pull back. You're only setting yourself up for another heart ache.
2) For those looking to reconnect with an old crush -- someone you hadn't gone out with, but wish you had... ... the biggest reason why this particular relationship doesn't work is because of how we percieve this person. The reasons why we took crush on them in the first place (all those years ago) are things we're still basing this off of in their present state. How can we see the progress we've made within ourselves and always talk about how "we're sooooo over it" and "so much smarter now" that we can't assume the same about that other person, and realize that the traits we liked about them before may no longer be part of their characteristic repetoire??
Whatever the case may be... this is why those relationships always seem to fall short. We expect them to be that same person of the past. For myself... this is the reason why I have such a long checklist of things that have to be done... because I've already come to realize that I may not even like these people as they are now.
Having said all this, I am reminded by an early rule that Billy Crystal had said best in "When Harry Met Sally"... ... "A man cannot be friends with a woman he finds attractive. He always wants to have sex with her." I will elaborate this on a future post, but as for now, I will leave you with that thought. Do YOU feel that men and women can be "just friends" with or without attraction?? Why or why not??
Feel free to leave your thoughts in the comments.
As always, I thank you for reading, and hope that my words help you on your future relationship encounters.
Much Love --
DrummaRico
The Love Doctor
Tuesday, April 26, 2011
Thursday, April 14, 2011
To Live for Love? Or to Let Love Go to Live?
When it is the best time to move on from a relationship?? Some move on from one person to another in a matter of weeks; even days... while, for some, it takes a longer healing process to be able to open their heart again for another.
There's no specific time process to answer the question that I posed, but more of an internal feeling that you have. I'm the kind of person that lives for Love. I treat each relationship as if it were going to be my last; because, who knows, right?? I don't know if I'll marry the person that I'm currently dating right now... but if it's not thia woman, I'm sure going to set such a high standard for her. lol. My belief is... I don't want to hold anythig back. I hate having "what if" scenarios about past relationships in my head.
"What if I had said 'yes' instead of 'no'??"
"What if I took a right instead of left??"
"What if 'this'..."
"What if 'that'..."
I hate those!! Give each relationship a full 100% shot. For when it IS time to let go... you can look back on it sayin yourself, "I gave it everything I had. I can't be mad at myself for not trying."
This is all in moderation, however.
Obviously, when the relationship is new (anywhere between the first month to six months)... there are still things to get to know from the other before fully commiting. Really analyzing the relationship; the person you're with; the points of views... your flaws, their flaws... ... within that first portion of the relationship, it's a growing experience to see if you can even STAND one another to take it to another intimate level.
But getting back to my question...
There are marriages that have gone 20 years and beyond, and they still fall short and end in divorce. Why??? Marriage is the one level that any and all cards should be placed on the table with BOTH people... and if both aren't willing to show their hands; then there's no point in gambling with your heart. One person cannot be there to struggle to make things work... it takes 2.
Lets go on a lower rung of the relationship ladder...
Lets say you're together for 7 years. That's a long time!! Longer than most people get to be together with one person. The average "long-term" relationship lasts, anywhere, between 2 and 4 years. Beyond that, you're beginning to talk about marriage or, at very least, begun living together in the hopes to crossing into that union. While you are just a couple and not "husband and wife"... where is there a line between standing to fight for the relationship and letting go??
Same as marriage, both people have to be willing to work for the relationship; however, unlike marriage, there are even more petty signs to be aware of during the course. Jealousy, lack of intimacy, constant or unneccessary arguing/bickering... ... when the communication seems to have ceased over time... ... that's when things need to be put into perspective. As I've showed in the previous posting... without that communication, a couple cannot hope to stand the test of time for it is the sturdiest foundation for which to build your relationship off of.
A relationship of this length shouldn't have any of the petty problems that I have just mentioned. None. Jealousy is a form of mistrust; and, frankly, why would you be with someone if you find yourself jealous over whom they talk to or why they talk to them?? Why be with someone you don't trust? Lack of intimacy... ... lets face it... women NEED to have some romance in their life. And I know there are guys like me in the world that love to share it with their lovers... ... and without that level of bonding -- which, once again, can be prevented by a solid form of communication -- it forces the other person's hand in seeking out someone that WILL fulfill that desire needed. Arguing/bickering... ... it is actually medically proven that arguing with your loved one is healthy for your body!! Ceratonin (spelling?) is released within the body and helps cleanse various organs and muscle groups. Interesting, right?? Too much, however, raises blood pressure and your stress; which has counter-productive side effects. Arguing happens. No two people in a relationship are perfect; nor are they perfect for one another... ... so disagreements are bound to come into play; but arguing daily about the aforementioned points I've brought up do no good for either person in the relationship.
I used to have a lot of arguements due to my young, jealous nature. I've learned to trust a bit better in my current relationship endeavors... and when I feel like my trust may be taken advantage of, I make sure that it's the first point to be addressed the next time I talk with the person I'm with. It's just a discussion... not an attack of accusation. I want them to understand that I'm feeling a certain way about actions I've seen or just a general feeling that I'm having. And, these days, with all the friends people can have over the various social networks... it's harder than ever to keep a level head about everything. Once I've made my case, however, and we've discussed it in a way that I know there's no "loop hole" (as most people try to look for) to misunderstand it... the next part becomes a, kind of, testing ground to see if they took what I said to heart or if they're going to blow me off and continue to do what they do.
I would never ask someone to stop being who they are... and if the person that I'm with can't consider my feelings and set, at least, attempt to help the relationship along; I'm not going to be mad about that. It's just a simple case of "We're just not meant to be together". Easy... and you move on.
I understand that being in a long-term relationship makes you establish a certain level of comfort within that person... ... I know EXACTLY how hard it is to let it go and attempt to start over; while trying NOT to base your perception of "love" on the relationship you're just getting out of. I, even, understand how settled a person can be within the routine that they're into... ... but is that how you really want to look at the "love" you've built?? More often than not, the reason for divorce is because of people looking back upon their relationship and realizing that they've "settled" instead of gone out for something they've dreamt for and know they deserve.
So when is the best time to move on from a relationship??
1) When all tactics within your disposal have been exhausted. When you feel you have done any and everything, and there is still no sign of change or improvement.
2) When communication and trust is no longer there. Being jealous is another way of saying, "I don't trust you."; and without ANY kind of communication, whether it be intimate or general, leads the person seeking it to finding another that will fulfill their needs/desires. If you find yourself holding back things because you know it will erupt in a fight, you are not able to be yourself. You are not able to express yourself freely, and that's no way to continue.
3) When arguing consumes your relationship. Remember it's healthy to argue, but not at great lengths or great consistancy; and, ESPECIALLY, not in the beginning of the relationship. If you're already arguing within the first months... there's no reason to progress for the rest of the journey will be nothing but drama-filled.
4) When you feel stiffled from lack of progress. While you've lasted a long time, and are comfortable with that person... you're still arguing or having issues about the same problems over and over. The longer the relationship, the less those petty factors/issues should have any kind of hold on EITHER of you. Jealousy should NEVER come up... intimacy should be in full effect... and the only arguement you seem to have is a playful one over who loves who more? Possibly, even, "grown-up" issues like bills, rent/mortgage, and future. But if you feel like you're not going anywhere, and you are probably not with that right person; yet, fear being alone or starting over... ... it's time to just bite the bullet and start over. This is the instance where you must "Set love free... and if it returns to you, it was meant to be."
5) I didn't get to touch on this, but I feel it's a "gimmie". Whenever you are being abused mentally, physically, emotionally, and spiritually. Nobody deserves to get put down or beaten in ANY aspect. For the ladies in the Central Valley area... if you are being abused, please tell you man not to let me catch them. I have a VERY... very... low tolerance for that... and if I find out who they are and where they are... they get it back on them ten fold. You can ask my female friends that I've done this for. No, they didn't tell me to do it... I found out for myself, and I took it upon myself to teach a man how to ACT like a man, and not hit women.
As for being mentally, emotionally, and spiritually broken... ... there is always a friendly ear for you here and amongst your friends. We, all, can help. Don't even feel like you're not pretty enough, not smart enough... or just not enough, in general. If someone can't see how amazing you are... especially after being together for so long, then they don't deserve you; and you don't deserve to be treated as such.
All of these reasons take time to sort out amongst yourselves. Most of the time, your boyfriend/girlfriend won't even know that something is wrong... which is why it always starts with communication. Talk it out, and if that doesn't seem to help... take the steps you need in order to make it work for yourself. If they're unwilling to work with you; or things don't begin to change in the way you thought they would; or just not change at all, then it's time to let it go.
Long-term status people... it'll be a bit longer for you since you have so much already invested in it; so all the more reason to try and hold on. But never settle. If you feel there's something better for you out there... odds are, there probably is because you're, obviously, not getting everything you deserve.
Whatever route you choose to follow... be sure you're giving everything a 100% effort into it. Being plagued by "what if" scenarios is not fun. lol
As always, I thank you for reading, and good luck on your future loving endeavors.
The Love Doctor--
DrummaRico
There's no specific time process to answer the question that I posed, but more of an internal feeling that you have. I'm the kind of person that lives for Love. I treat each relationship as if it were going to be my last; because, who knows, right?? I don't know if I'll marry the person that I'm currently dating right now... but if it's not thia woman, I'm sure going to set such a high standard for her. lol. My belief is... I don't want to hold anythig back. I hate having "what if" scenarios about past relationships in my head.
"What if I had said 'yes' instead of 'no'??"
"What if I took a right instead of left??"
"What if 'this'..."
"What if 'that'..."
I hate those!! Give each relationship a full 100% shot. For when it IS time to let go... you can look back on it sayin yourself, "I gave it everything I had. I can't be mad at myself for not trying."
This is all in moderation, however.
Obviously, when the relationship is new (anywhere between the first month to six months)... there are still things to get to know from the other before fully commiting. Really analyzing the relationship; the person you're with; the points of views... your flaws, their flaws... ... within that first portion of the relationship, it's a growing experience to see if you can even STAND one another to take it to another intimate level.
But getting back to my question...
There are marriages that have gone 20 years and beyond, and they still fall short and end in divorce. Why??? Marriage is the one level that any and all cards should be placed on the table with BOTH people... and if both aren't willing to show their hands; then there's no point in gambling with your heart. One person cannot be there to struggle to make things work... it takes 2.
Lets go on a lower rung of the relationship ladder...
Lets say you're together for 7 years. That's a long time!! Longer than most people get to be together with one person. The average "long-term" relationship lasts, anywhere, between 2 and 4 years. Beyond that, you're beginning to talk about marriage or, at very least, begun living together in the hopes to crossing into that union. While you are just a couple and not "husband and wife"... where is there a line between standing to fight for the relationship and letting go??
Same as marriage, both people have to be willing to work for the relationship; however, unlike marriage, there are even more petty signs to be aware of during the course. Jealousy, lack of intimacy, constant or unneccessary arguing/bickering... ... when the communication seems to have ceased over time... ... that's when things need to be put into perspective. As I've showed in the previous posting... without that communication, a couple cannot hope to stand the test of time for it is the sturdiest foundation for which to build your relationship off of.
A relationship of this length shouldn't have any of the petty problems that I have just mentioned. None. Jealousy is a form of mistrust; and, frankly, why would you be with someone if you find yourself jealous over whom they talk to or why they talk to them?? Why be with someone you don't trust? Lack of intimacy... ... lets face it... women NEED to have some romance in their life. And I know there are guys like me in the world that love to share it with their lovers... ... and without that level of bonding -- which, once again, can be prevented by a solid form of communication -- it forces the other person's hand in seeking out someone that WILL fulfill that desire needed. Arguing/bickering... ... it is actually medically proven that arguing with your loved one is healthy for your body!! Ceratonin (spelling?) is released within the body and helps cleanse various organs and muscle groups. Interesting, right?? Too much, however, raises blood pressure and your stress; which has counter-productive side effects. Arguing happens. No two people in a relationship are perfect; nor are they perfect for one another... ... so disagreements are bound to come into play; but arguing daily about the aforementioned points I've brought up do no good for either person in the relationship.
I used to have a lot of arguements due to my young, jealous nature. I've learned to trust a bit better in my current relationship endeavors... and when I feel like my trust may be taken advantage of, I make sure that it's the first point to be addressed the next time I talk with the person I'm with. It's just a discussion... not an attack of accusation. I want them to understand that I'm feeling a certain way about actions I've seen or just a general feeling that I'm having. And, these days, with all the friends people can have over the various social networks... it's harder than ever to keep a level head about everything. Once I've made my case, however, and we've discussed it in a way that I know there's no "loop hole" (as most people try to look for) to misunderstand it... the next part becomes a, kind of, testing ground to see if they took what I said to heart or if they're going to blow me off and continue to do what they do.
I would never ask someone to stop being who they are... and if the person that I'm with can't consider my feelings and set, at least, attempt to help the relationship along; I'm not going to be mad about that. It's just a simple case of "We're just not meant to be together". Easy... and you move on.
I understand that being in a long-term relationship makes you establish a certain level of comfort within that person... ... I know EXACTLY how hard it is to let it go and attempt to start over; while trying NOT to base your perception of "love" on the relationship you're just getting out of. I, even, understand how settled a person can be within the routine that they're into... ... but is that how you really want to look at the "love" you've built?? More often than not, the reason for divorce is because of people looking back upon their relationship and realizing that they've "settled" instead of gone out for something they've dreamt for and know they deserve.
So when is the best time to move on from a relationship??
1) When all tactics within your disposal have been exhausted. When you feel you have done any and everything, and there is still no sign of change or improvement.
2) When communication and trust is no longer there. Being jealous is another way of saying, "I don't trust you."; and without ANY kind of communication, whether it be intimate or general, leads the person seeking it to finding another that will fulfill their needs/desires. If you find yourself holding back things because you know it will erupt in a fight, you are not able to be yourself. You are not able to express yourself freely, and that's no way to continue.
3) When arguing consumes your relationship. Remember it's healthy to argue, but not at great lengths or great consistancy; and, ESPECIALLY, not in the beginning of the relationship. If you're already arguing within the first months... there's no reason to progress for the rest of the journey will be nothing but drama-filled.
4) When you feel stiffled from lack of progress. While you've lasted a long time, and are comfortable with that person... you're still arguing or having issues about the same problems over and over. The longer the relationship, the less those petty factors/issues should have any kind of hold on EITHER of you. Jealousy should NEVER come up... intimacy should be in full effect... and the only arguement you seem to have is a playful one over who loves who more? Possibly, even, "grown-up" issues like bills, rent/mortgage, and future. But if you feel like you're not going anywhere, and you are probably not with that right person; yet, fear being alone or starting over... ... it's time to just bite the bullet and start over. This is the instance where you must "Set love free... and if it returns to you, it was meant to be."
5) I didn't get to touch on this, but I feel it's a "gimmie". Whenever you are being abused mentally, physically, emotionally, and spiritually. Nobody deserves to get put down or beaten in ANY aspect. For the ladies in the Central Valley area... if you are being abused, please tell you man not to let me catch them. I have a VERY... very... low tolerance for that... and if I find out who they are and where they are... they get it back on them ten fold. You can ask my female friends that I've done this for. No, they didn't tell me to do it... I found out for myself, and I took it upon myself to teach a man how to ACT like a man, and not hit women.
As for being mentally, emotionally, and spiritually broken... ... there is always a friendly ear for you here and amongst your friends. We, all, can help. Don't even feel like you're not pretty enough, not smart enough... or just not enough, in general. If someone can't see how amazing you are... especially after being together for so long, then they don't deserve you; and you don't deserve to be treated as such.
All of these reasons take time to sort out amongst yourselves. Most of the time, your boyfriend/girlfriend won't even know that something is wrong... which is why it always starts with communication. Talk it out, and if that doesn't seem to help... take the steps you need in order to make it work for yourself. If they're unwilling to work with you; or things don't begin to change in the way you thought they would; or just not change at all, then it's time to let it go.
Long-term status people... it'll be a bit longer for you since you have so much already invested in it; so all the more reason to try and hold on. But never settle. If you feel there's something better for you out there... odds are, there probably is because you're, obviously, not getting everything you deserve.
Whatever route you choose to follow... be sure you're giving everything a 100% effort into it. Being plagued by "what if" scenarios is not fun. lol
As always, I thank you for reading, and good luck on your future loving endeavors.
The Love Doctor--
DrummaRico
Thursday, April 7, 2011
Foundations to Love
Talking about love is a lot like talking about politics or religion... ... everybody has their own theories about each, and a reason for each point that they make; which is why most people just don't bother to get into discussions about it. The biggest arguement I've heard is, "There is more than one way to love"... and that's ALMOST true. Almost... ... but not quite.
You can have different methods and paths of how you achieved to feeling such a strong emotion... you could have different standards that you need in that person in order for you to open up to the feeling... ... and the way you met could've even had a factor in how it all came to be... ... but when the dust settles, and the smoke clears, there is a pattern (if you will) to everything. Even the simplest of rhythms in life, we cannot help but take for granted.
For example... ... lets say your boyfriend/girlfriend has called you everyday at 3pm -- just after getting out of work -- for the first six weeks of your relationship. When there's a day... for whatever reason... ... that the call isn't placed... ... your mind can't help but go into this overdrive of questions as to why they might not have called. Are they mad?... Did something happen to them?... Did they just stay late?... etc, etc. A simple rhythm that can take an abrupt negative turn.
Love works in the same way. I mentioned in the prior posting that there are signs everywhere that can tell you at any tme during that relationship whether or not if the person you're with is capable of being trusted on that kind of level, and if they're going to be giving you the same amount of affection in return that you give to them. Love is a rhythm that you must allow your heart to align with in order to coincide with all of its' blissful rewards, once embraced; but it doesn't take just your heart... it takes the understanding of both hearts.
There are five main pillars, for which, to structure the foundation of the love that you look to build. Repeat... ... I said... five... MAIN PILLARS. Meaning that love is not subject to JUST these five... ... but if you look to have a successful attempt at achieving love, these are a MUST in your constructing plans.
And they are... (as I put in MY opinion from lowest to highest priority):
You can have different methods and paths of how you achieved to feeling such a strong emotion... you could have different standards that you need in that person in order for you to open up to the feeling... ... and the way you met could've even had a factor in how it all came to be... ... but when the dust settles, and the smoke clears, there is a pattern (if you will) to everything. Even the simplest of rhythms in life, we cannot help but take for granted.
For example... ... lets say your boyfriend/girlfriend has called you everyday at 3pm -- just after getting out of work -- for the first six weeks of your relationship. When there's a day... for whatever reason... ... that the call isn't placed... ... your mind can't help but go into this overdrive of questions as to why they might not have called. Are they mad?... Did something happen to them?... Did they just stay late?... etc, etc. A simple rhythm that can take an abrupt negative turn.
Love works in the same way. I mentioned in the prior posting that there are signs everywhere that can tell you at any tme during that relationship whether or not if the person you're with is capable of being trusted on that kind of level, and if they're going to be giving you the same amount of affection in return that you give to them. Love is a rhythm that you must allow your heart to align with in order to coincide with all of its' blissful rewards, once embraced; but it doesn't take just your heart... it takes the understanding of both hearts.
There are five main pillars, for which, to structure the foundation of the love that you look to build. Repeat... ... I said... five... MAIN PILLARS. Meaning that love is not subject to JUST these five... ... but if you look to have a successful attempt at achieving love, these are a MUST in your constructing plans.
And they are... (as I put in MY opinion from lowest to highest priority):
Physical Appearance/Features
Stability (Mental, Financial, Social, and Emotional)
Intelligence
Attitude/Personality
Communication
*Please feel free to comment your opinion about the order of these five.
Now... ... before you begin to blow up and debate my comment section, let me, first, explain why I have them in this particular order.
Physical Appearance/Features
“The first things I notice are the eyes.”
“The thing that means most for me is a good personality.”
“I noticed their smile first.”
“Physical appearance has no influence on how I judge them."
Wow. Is that a load of bullshit or what?
Sure, I can believe that you noticed their smile and their eyes first, but right after that you took a tour three feet below their chin to see what that person was working with. Personality means more?? Give us all a break. For those that have seen the movie, Harold and Kumar go to White Castle, you know within yourselves that if someone like Freakshow came up to you trying to have a conversation, and began hitting on you, you’d run out of the bar or club screaming to high heaven. Personality is very important, but it comes AFTER the physical features. If they weren’t remotely cute, you wouldn’t want to take that chance to discover what kind of personality they had. The hotter or more attractive a person is, the less you could care if they were boring and dull or adventurous and outgoing.
Unfortunately, whether we want to admit it or not, we are all shallow in our way of thinking. Television, radio, movies, and any other form of propaganda have gone for years with the mindset “sex sells”, and it works out VERY well for them. What that has ultimately done for us as people is put those beautiful models and celebrities on a plateau of standards which we judge all people on. Tall, athletic, slender, tone, or rippled bodies are the pinnacle of the human form now. They are always the ones you notice walking into a room. The big breasts, the massive, muscular arms; the ones with swaying hips, and long, slender legs; the ones with dimples in their cheeks when they smile, and a cut-off shirt so that you know they workout… they just have this presence about them that makes people’s heads turn. What you don’t notice is that these are the people that will, more than likely, treat you the worst. These people are usually self-involved, and selfish.
I'm not saying that everybody is shallow to this specific type of person. A good friend of mine LOVES the BBW's (big beautiful women). His ideal woman is short -- and I mean, shorter than 5'4" -- and weighs more than 200lbs. That's his limit. He shudders to think of a woman skinnier than that. Taller, he could deal with, but he needs the weight class. Not to delve into my personal tastes, but I will just say this: I have my limits. I don't have a specific type that I look for, or a specific weight class to be over or under. I've dated tall, short, size-zeros and full-figured women. MY whole stance is... if you can hold a conversation with me... keep my attention without having me wonder, "What kind of scenario can I bring up that could excuse myself from this as politely as possible?"... ... I'm pretty much willing to go to any level you'd like to take it. I'll keep an open mind.
In any event... no matter what your taste is... physical attraction DOES play a factor in building that relationship. There are certain lines you won't cross, and that's natural... ... but don't put yourself in a scenario that leads you grasping on to any and every morsel of connection so that you can stay together just for the sake of comortability. All it does is lead the other one on, and makes you emotionally cut off until you can gain the courage to leave... ... or sabotage the relationship so that you won't have to end the relationship yourself. Above all... ... don't give the lame excuse "It's not you it's me"... ... or the "I don't wanna ruin our friendship". Those are worse than a shot to the face of our ego. Be real. "I'm just not attracted to you". Yes... it seems harsh... ... but, there ARE qualities or features that we just don't find attractive. It happens. Be honorable and do what's right in keeping it honest.
Stability
Wow... ... so many sub-factors pour into this one structure; which makes it a wonder why it's not the #1 on the totem. Hopefully, I'll be able to show you a clear understanding of why this is.
Mental/Emotional Stability --
They cannot help but to coincide. If the mind and heart are in sync with one another -- a flowing harmony on the inside -- it is inevitable that THAT harmony will be returned from your surrounding world. This is more for those aged 16 through 26...
We have so many different factors going on in our lives during this time. We have school, work, family, phsical fitness... wanting to start our career, wanting to move out... paying off loans and tuition, paying for bills... ... finding love, and obtaining it SHOULDN'T be one of those stresses, right?? This age bracket is the most susceptible to anxiety attacks and depression because of all these things piling on; and all these stresses distract the mind from being able to reason with the heart about what you NEED versus what you WANT.
Aside from everyday, individual stresses... ... there are not-so-ordinary stresses that could play a factor as well, and deviate from knowing just HOW to love. Like someone being hurt from a long-term relationship... ... someone who watched their parents go through a divorce... or someone that was brought up thinking that "love" meant being dominant, aggressive, and making the other more like a slave than a lover. Baby mama/daddy drama is more commonly found nowadays as well.
It is when we've found a balance within ourselves, and within the one we choose to be with that a "sane" foundation can look to be built. If someone was always whining about their baby drama... or their school... or any one of these factors... how long would you be able to put up with it?? How long would you be willing to give them to fix it so that you may move onward?? And, what if, it distracts you from your own turmoil?? You can live in the moments with your boyfriend or girlfriend, but sooner or later you have to face your reality... ... and when you do, it'll effect the relationship you're trying to build.
The phrase I like to use in this scenario is, "Do what you HAVE to do now... so that you can do what you're MEANT to do later." Take care of your business. Especially at this age. Just have fun with whom you're with... and focus on the things that'll help you in the, much, longer run.
Financial --
Lets face it... ... everybody needs this. Man or woman... teen or adult... ... single or long-term... ... while you may not need ALL the finer things in life, you still need money to be able to do things with yourself. To pay off your bills and loans, to get out of your parent's house, or take your date out. It is one of the biggest stress factors that anyone of ANY age can encounter. So find that job that makes you happy doing it, or get the education you need to have the career that you want. Above all... learn how to budget that responsibility. lol
Social --
Once you've stabilized the aforementioned sub-points... your social-life should be right on the track you need it to be. Why wouldn't you have confidence in yourself when you're financially taken care of, and passed all the drama you dealt within during pre-teen and young-adult years??
Bottom line, though.. ... some people are just socially awkward. They don't know how to interact with people... or read them in a way so that they won't offend them with their particular style of humor. Or being over-weight has closed you off from social interaction. Again... once you have taken control of yourself... you can take control of that fear/awkwardness and present yourself in a manner that you're comfortable with. Without a social stability, how are we able to meet that man or woman of our dreams??
Intelligence
The SAT’s, ACT’s, ASVAB, and even the BAR; some of the world’s best tools for measuring the IQ one possesses, but if someone that has never done a day’s homework in their life scores higher than the Valedictorian of Harvard Law what does that tell you?? Congratulations on your hard work at achieving that honor and all, Mr. /Ms. Valedictorian, but a lot of times, it’s not about having the book-smarts that matter. Someone who pledged a life of celibacy can take all the sexual education classes in the world, but the person whom has experienced it first hand would have a better explanation of how having an emotional connection and intimacy enhances the act of sex.
Having the knowledge of what to say about a subject is only half the battle. Knowing when to state it is the other. You can’t speak upon a subject that you have little to no knowledge of. What ends up happening is you’ll ramble trying to bullshit your way out of the topic at hand, and ultimately make yourself look stupid. Ironic, isn’t it?? You talk to try to make yourself look/sound smart, but end up looking the fool.
Intelligence is a delicate subject to try and bring up. You don’t want to use all of your knowledge up in one encounter. Not only will you seem pompous and a show off, but you also run the risk of making your significant other feel less superior. Be sure that, if you show off everything you’ve ever learned, then, don’t expect a phone call for a second date.
When it comes to the opposite sex, be sure you’re doing your homework about them. If they’re into astronomy, be sure you can name the (now) 8 planets and some major constellations; if they’re into botany, learn the names of flowers. For more of a challenge, learn their scientific name. While it may not be an area you particularly like or find interesting, learning more can help that process along to make that subject something you both will have in common in the future.
Most of all use your intelligence to be creative!! Flowers and candy on a date is so cliché, and CAN work, but do something to be ORIGINAL. Not only will it stand out more for the person you're with, but it'll make for a more memorable experience with yourself. Seeing their face light up in such a way has an effect on the memory, and just seems to embed itself within you.
Attitude/Personality
If “LOVE” were a car, it would be a stretch limo with physical features in the front seat and personality deep in the back seat. In fact, personality is in the trunk just waiting for its opportunity; banging and screaming to be given a chance to show just what they’re all about.
Personality really reflects upon a person’s attitude. The more confidence you have within yourself the better you’ll be able to present yourself. Charisma is soon to follow. Confidence is like a vocal lubricant and allows your words to pour out smoothly like wine seems to flow from bottle to glass. Too much exploitation of confidence, however, will be looked upon as cockiness or arrogance.
In order to find that balance within yourself, you have to accept your imperfections/flaws (yes, yes, I know it’s hard to believe, but you DO have flaws). Accepting that you have flaws as well as extricating the positives you have about you shows a kind of humbleness to you, but also confidence. It’s as if saying, “Yeah, I’m not perfect, but this is what I have going on for me. Take it or leave it.” This is not easy. A lot of people truly look at themselves and can’t pick out one thing about them that they find wrong; when, in fact, that’s a flaw in itself. To know whether or not you’re one of those people, ask yourself this question:
If there was one (or more) thing(s) you could change about yourself, what would it be?
Now just because you were able to answer that question doesn’t make you any better than the one who couldn’t. If you answered more than just one thing that you’d change about yourself, that shows an insecurity within yourself, as well as, singles out your lack of confidence. To successfully give off the aura of confidence to others, you must first control it within yourself. Sounds Barney the Dinosaur-like, but you must love yourself. Love yourself in order to truly be able to give yourself away to be loved.
It is this trait that I, dearly, wish we were all judged upon first, and not by our external appearance. While you can get passed a person not having money, being socially awkward, or being a "6" instead of an "8" or "10". But without a good, positive attitude/personality... being caring, sensitive, understanding, and strong... ... what else would the person you're looking towards have to hold on to?? I'm pretty sure that a mindless robot is not the pinnacle of attraction otherwise... vibrators and "fleshlights" would looked at to be given some sort of artificial intelligence.
Without the right personality or attitude... there can be no chemistry. Without chemistry... there's no intimacy; which means... no love. So learn which traits are your strengths, and which are your weaknesses, and find a balance between all of it. Don't do it for them... do it for yourself; and don't believe so blindly in changing someone for the better. If they can't do it for themselves... they surely won't do it for you... ... and, if it happens that they do... it's only temporary. When the relationship is over... everything goes back to square one.
Communication
Now... ... after having read allllll of that. Can you guess why this point is the most important?? The first 4 are merely tools to work on for each individual person. Think of them as the 4 walls to making a house. But before a house can be built... what does it need? A level foundation for which to help hold those walls up. This is the starting point, for which, that rhythm of the relationship is found. This is the basis for ALL things in a loving relationship. Even when you have all the other 4 balanced and well in hand... this is where it all glues together and takes shape. And lets say you're out there looking to date someone... and, with the balance of the other 4 points you have chemistry forming... ... from that chemistry, you've built an intimacy... through that intimacy, you've grown accustomed to and adore each others' flaws, and accept them for who they are... ... and at the end you have "love". But to each progression... it takes communication to get there.
You need communication for that first interaction... you need it to become intimate and talk about the things you both are looking for out of the relationship... ... you need communication to work out those issues that may take more than just an "understanding" of them... ... communication to assure each other that you both are growing... ...
The list just goes on and on; and I'm only talking about the bigger transitions of the relationship!!
When the communication is open and honest... with no reprocussions... there's nowhere that the relationship can't go. Nowhere. Equally important in communication... ... openness and honesty NEED to be felt. If you don't feel like you can be yourself with your boyfriend or girlfriend... or you can't express your opinion without sparking a fight or misunderstanding... you just close down, and shut them out. What happens then?? Well... you start looking for other people to talk to. What happens after that?? Emotions begin diminishing as the intimacy begins to fade to another; and, then, ultimately... the relationship ends. All because of a failure to communicate.
I think I heard you think out loud to yourself a while back... "Hey... what about trust and loyalty"??Hang on... I'm getting to it. lol.
Through this communication comes that rhythm; and ONLY through this communication are you able to keep that rhythm from faultering. Keeping everything out in the open... making it honest from the beginning... ... you learn a new level of trust and intimacy; and through those comes an unwavering sense of loyalty to one another. When you are both on the same page about everything... and you can openly talk about things you may not like or things that hurt or bothered you... ... that trust begins to manifest through your actions. As I mentioned in my previous post... you start seeing where those forbidden lines are drawn, and make it a point to steer very clear of them. You make decisions, almost, subconsciouly and selflessly for one another.
With communication feeding into your trust... ... all the doubt washes away. All the jealousy you've felt from past relationships... all the insecurities... all the worries if a future still looks plausible... ... they're all laid to rest with that strong sense of communication.
The biggest mistake about communication is underestimating that the opposite sex is only hearing your words. While they may hearing what you have to say, you body is what they could be really listening to. Not just small gestures and physical interaction... ... but your actions in general. Actions really do speak louder than words. Do you know that song... ... "If you wanna know if he loves you so, it's in his kiss..." ?? A kiss, a hug... ... even a specific look into their eyes... ... it allows you to transfer that energy of emotion that you feel without having to put it in the simple phrase, "I love you". It's unfortunate, but it seems that "I love you" deminishes in value over the course of time. It becomes routine till those words are no longer valid... ... but SHOWING that you love someone. That holds its' value better than a Honda Civic (lol) and it helps to maintain the message that you still hold an exponential amount of loving emotion for them. Hence... leaves out the deminishing value of words.
That's what it takes. A TREMENDOUS amount of self-reflect and self improvement... ... and then LOTS of working together in communication in growing that connection between the 2 of you. Honest... open communication, folks.
I look forward to hearing back on your theories about this, and your comments in general.
Till next time... I thank you for reading.
The Love Doctor --
DrummaRico
Wednesday, April 6, 2011
4 Points in Knowing "Love"
Have you ever watched your friends on Facebook posting hour, after hour, about how "in love" they are... how "he/she understands me soooo much"... that they're "so happy to have found such an unconditional love" after just getting together with their boyfiend/girlfriend within just a few, short weeks??? I'm sorry... but it, absolutely, DRIVES ME NUTS!!
I know, I know... ... nobody can tell you whether or not you're "in love", right?? No. I'm not doubting that you have loving emotions towards a person, but I can definitely tell whether or not you're IN love with a person versus simply loving that person... and I have helped countless friends open their eyes and their minds in order to see this simple fact.
First... ... lets just get the obvious ones out of the way. There is NO such thing as "Love at first sight". Correction... there's no such thing as "TRUE LOVE at first sight". You can have an enfatuation, you can be very attracted, you can be smitten, crush on them, and be totally enamored by the face value of that person... ... but you can't say you're TRULY "in love" with them. A "true love" comes from far too many variables that just cannot be accounted for within the first few hours of meeting a person of interest. Even when that first day/encounter/date is over... you can only "love" but a few things about them -- how they made you feel, how comfortable you are around them... sensitivity and various other qualities... ... but when all is said and done, you don't know that person from any other guy/girl you may have come across; and, yes, there IS a difference between loving somebody and being IN love with someone.
For example: you can love your family -- your brother, sister, mom and dad... ... you can love your friends, and (like your family) do anything for them; including taking a bullet for them and dying for them. But unless you're from the South (yes... ... a stereotyping joke. ha ha), there's more than just 99% chance that you're interested in anything more than the relationship you have with them. I'm pretty sure I can safely say that you don't want to marry ANY one of your family members OR your best friends.
To be IN love with someone means fulfilling a list of qualities, and accepting an even bigger list of flaws within that other person. It's a sense of completion towards another person... and, actually, I'm getting ahead of myself. I will address these by the end of the message here.
So... recap ... Number 1: NO "true love at first sight". Impossible to be IN love with someone after just 1 day of meeting them. There is only "lust at first sight". You really gotta KNOW that person first.
Second point... ... know the difference between falling in love with the person, and falling in love with the feeling. "People who truly loved once are far more likely to love again". I have always thought that first love and the last love are the most genuine. With the first love... everything building up to that love is so new and innocent; especially between 2 people that have never transcended to that emotion before. You both grow together... ... taking each level very carefully, and working through each of those levels together. It's such a pure and beautiful thing. This kind of love is also known as the "high school crush"... as this course is more commonly found in people aged 16 through 18.
Once it ends (if it ends) it leaves a hole in the heart that takes a good deal of time to get over, and because of that love that was lost... you tend to misconstrue all concept of "love" and how it's supposed to go. It's inevitable that you base future relationships and emotional growth off of that first love; and, therefore, cannot accurately assess what it takes to reach and attain that "true love". Just because a person makes you feel comfortable talking with them and divulging intimate information; doesn't mean they're capable of being trusted on that intimate level. Don't allow yourself to become blinded by this kind of "love". I'm sure we are all very well aware just how easy it can be to attach to someone emotionally when we are in such a vulnerable state of mind. There are signs everywhere to be able to see if whether or not a person is capable of being trusted (which I will post in a later blog)... ... hopefully you will always keep your eyes open to them.
Which brings me to the last love that I mentioned. In the journey of finding "last love" you should be well aware of the tricks and tactics used from the opposite sex to weed out the ones that you know don't fit with the kind of person you're looking for. Its usually duing the time period just after high school and during college that the mind gets so cluttered with various stresses. Stresses such as working, tuition, being able to get a place of your own, your homework and classes; and, even, being in shape has made its' way to become one of the main stress factors nowadays. With all those factors eating away at you... it's hard to tell exactly what you NEED to compliment your love lifestyle.
We all have a fantasy list of what we WANT and DESIRE... ... but once those factors are taken care of... once you've completed school, gotten your own place, paid off loans and tuition bills, and began a stable career with a bright finanical future... ... your mind turns on that switch to be able to see who can fulfill the other half to you. The one that COMPLIMENTS your life... ... rather than BECOMES your life. One that doesn't have to depend on your paycheck, but can help take care of the financial duties; that has confidence and strength of character enough to know what it means to have a good person right in front of them, and not have those jealous tendencies that all insecure, player-type have. It is after all these trials and tribulations that you have a well-rounded understandng of the game of love -- and, yes, it is a game -- and use it to your advantage to find that perfect person for yourself. The "last love". The one that surpassed all accounts and have proven themselves to be worthy of growing into that "true love" plateau.
So that's Number 2: DO NOT confuse being "in love" with a person to being "in love" with the feeling of "being in love". Take time with everything... analyze your intuition about the relationship, and never hold back on trying to make it better. Make sure that they're everything you need... and nothing you expected. Don't ever settle for a past feeling... ... always grow from it.
Third point... ... You will NEVER fully understand the capabilities and pureness of a "true love" by finding and chatting with someone over the internet. However... there is an amendment to this point... ... once the internet relationship has made its' journey to where both people are now in physical contact with one another; THEN the possiblity may present itself.
When a relationship is strickly confined to just phone talk and interent conversation... it's IMPOSSIBLE to say that you are "truly in love". First off... ... it's hard to trust ANYbody that you meet in the physical world. Your first impression of them could be (and, most of the time, is) a lie... ... you don't know if they're independent or clingy; don't know if they're financially stable and have lots of money despite how many drinks they've bought or the clothes they wear. I know guy who dotes on his girlfriend with anything she might want (clothing-wise)... ... but he complains about spending $5 on gas just to give her a ride to and from his apartment. Doesn't make sense, does it? Why spend $100 or so on clothes if you can't afford $5 for a gallon and a half of gas to be able to spend INTIMATE time with your lady??
Anyways... ... everybody has their dark side; and while meeting someone online or through phone connections, you never fully get to see just how dark that person is. You can usually sense a tone in their voice when they're annoyed or aggravated, but never get to see how climactic it can be. They could be abusive... controlling... ... shoot... they could've killed someone in their past. You never know. They could be younger or older than they say... ... could've altered their data so you don't know their true physical attributes... ... their whole life displayed on the Facebook, Twitter, and MySpace could be false!!! And to say that you're "in love" with someone that you've never met?!?! Come on. You should be smarter than that. But, again... ... once that relationship changes to where you can be physically together... ... the possibility of achieving that "true love" becomes more of a reality. And, no, I'm not talkng about sex. I'm talking about just being with each other. Spending time together. Just because you can chat online or on the phone, doesn't mean you have that same flow of conversation in person. You might think they're BORING in person. Who knows?? But that's what it takes. That social interaction to seal the growth.
So... ... Number 3 recap: internet reationships CANNOT reach that "true love" plateau UNLESS they have made the move to a physical-contact relationship. Truly lovin someone means knowing someone on ALL levels... not just mentally and emotionally. You gotta have physical contact and interaction.
The fourth, and final point that I'll mention in this entry... ... there is no such thing as "Unconditional Love". At least not between 2 people. For the sake of time (as I have been writing, now, for an hour) lets just simply break down that phrase so that you know what I am talking about.
"Love" -- simple enough (and I'll be giving the definition of a TRUE love). It's a total completeness of emotion with the person you share that relationship with. It lets you know where the line is drawn without having the other draw it out for you. Like, for instance, you know that it's unacceptable to take phone calls of the opposite sex past a certain hour of the day... ... or take a call when you're spending intimate time together. You have no interest in making more friends of the opposite sex. NONE. You can have coworkers and collegues that you may need to be in touch with every now and again... you may have post grad classes where you need to stay in touch with for projects and assignments... ... but you know that once the conversation is anything but work or school related, there's no need to drag it on. Conversation... ... over. That true love allows you the common sense to know that... ... to be complete... ... means working together through anything through the simplest and strongest foundation that love is built on: communication. Free... open... honest... communicaton... ... and knowing that you don't have to hold back with one another. Knowing that you can be yourself, and say what you need to without reprocussion of your character. That's true love.
"Unconditional" -- unwavering; unfaultering. Without conditions.
With love, however, (even true love)... ... there ARE conditions. If you still doubt me... ... let me just as you one thing: Would you still be able to truly love someone if you found out that they just cheated on you??
There ARE conditions with love. Period. To achieve love you cannot cheat... you cannot flirt with others of the opposite sex... ... again... lots of boundaries. The only time an "unconditional love" applies is between parents and their children. Mother and daughter; father and son; and vice versa. There are no conditions for loving your child... ... even when screaming how they hate you or wish you weren't there... ... you hold no grudges or hold back the love you hold for them. They get in trouble... possibly go to jail... ... you're still there for them when they're let out.
Sorry, folks. Don't mean to burst your bubble... but "unconditional love" does not, and will never, apply to your relationship.
So those are the 4 main points that I wanted to bring up this time around. Mostly because there are certain people on my Facebook page that I would LOVE to vent this out to, but know that it's just in one ear and out the other with them; as, I'm sure, most of my posts on this subject will be addressed from. lol.
Till next time... I thank you for reading, and I hope it helps you in your future love journey.
The Love Doctor --
DrummaRico
I know, I know... ... nobody can tell you whether or not you're "in love", right?? No. I'm not doubting that you have loving emotions towards a person, but I can definitely tell whether or not you're IN love with a person versus simply loving that person... and I have helped countless friends open their eyes and their minds in order to see this simple fact.
First... ... lets just get the obvious ones out of the way. There is NO such thing as "Love at first sight". Correction... there's no such thing as "TRUE LOVE at first sight". You can have an enfatuation, you can be very attracted, you can be smitten, crush on them, and be totally enamored by the face value of that person... ... but you can't say you're TRULY "in love" with them. A "true love" comes from far too many variables that just cannot be accounted for within the first few hours of meeting a person of interest. Even when that first day/encounter/date is over... you can only "love" but a few things about them -- how they made you feel, how comfortable you are around them... sensitivity and various other qualities... ... but when all is said and done, you don't know that person from any other guy/girl you may have come across; and, yes, there IS a difference between loving somebody and being IN love with someone.
For example: you can love your family -- your brother, sister, mom and dad... ... you can love your friends, and (like your family) do anything for them; including taking a bullet for them and dying for them. But unless you're from the South (yes... ... a stereotyping joke. ha ha), there's more than just 99% chance that you're interested in anything more than the relationship you have with them. I'm pretty sure I can safely say that you don't want to marry ANY one of your family members OR your best friends.
To be IN love with someone means fulfilling a list of qualities, and accepting an even bigger list of flaws within that other person. It's a sense of completion towards another person... and, actually, I'm getting ahead of myself. I will address these by the end of the message here.
So... recap ... Number 1: NO "true love at first sight". Impossible to be IN love with someone after just 1 day of meeting them. There is only "lust at first sight". You really gotta KNOW that person first.
Second point... ... know the difference between falling in love with the person, and falling in love with the feeling. "People who truly loved once are far more likely to love again". I have always thought that first love and the last love are the most genuine. With the first love... everything building up to that love is so new and innocent; especially between 2 people that have never transcended to that emotion before. You both grow together... ... taking each level very carefully, and working through each of those levels together. It's such a pure and beautiful thing. This kind of love is also known as the "high school crush"... as this course is more commonly found in people aged 16 through 18.
Once it ends (if it ends) it leaves a hole in the heart that takes a good deal of time to get over, and because of that love that was lost... you tend to misconstrue all concept of "love" and how it's supposed to go. It's inevitable that you base future relationships and emotional growth off of that first love; and, therefore, cannot accurately assess what it takes to reach and attain that "true love". Just because a person makes you feel comfortable talking with them and divulging intimate information; doesn't mean they're capable of being trusted on that intimate level. Don't allow yourself to become blinded by this kind of "love". I'm sure we are all very well aware just how easy it can be to attach to someone emotionally when we are in such a vulnerable state of mind. There are signs everywhere to be able to see if whether or not a person is capable of being trusted (which I will post in a later blog)... ... hopefully you will always keep your eyes open to them.
Which brings me to the last love that I mentioned. In the journey of finding "last love" you should be well aware of the tricks and tactics used from the opposite sex to weed out the ones that you know don't fit with the kind of person you're looking for. Its usually duing the time period just after high school and during college that the mind gets so cluttered with various stresses. Stresses such as working, tuition, being able to get a place of your own, your homework and classes; and, even, being in shape has made its' way to become one of the main stress factors nowadays. With all those factors eating away at you... it's hard to tell exactly what you NEED to compliment your love lifestyle.
We all have a fantasy list of what we WANT and DESIRE... ... but once those factors are taken care of... once you've completed school, gotten your own place, paid off loans and tuition bills, and began a stable career with a bright finanical future... ... your mind turns on that switch to be able to see who can fulfill the other half to you. The one that COMPLIMENTS your life... ... rather than BECOMES your life. One that doesn't have to depend on your paycheck, but can help take care of the financial duties; that has confidence and strength of character enough to know what it means to have a good person right in front of them, and not have those jealous tendencies that all insecure, player-type have. It is after all these trials and tribulations that you have a well-rounded understandng of the game of love -- and, yes, it is a game -- and use it to your advantage to find that perfect person for yourself. The "last love". The one that surpassed all accounts and have proven themselves to be worthy of growing into that "true love" plateau.
So that's Number 2: DO NOT confuse being "in love" with a person to being "in love" with the feeling of "being in love". Take time with everything... analyze your intuition about the relationship, and never hold back on trying to make it better. Make sure that they're everything you need... and nothing you expected. Don't ever settle for a past feeling... ... always grow from it.
Third point... ... You will NEVER fully understand the capabilities and pureness of a "true love" by finding and chatting with someone over the internet. However... there is an amendment to this point... ... once the internet relationship has made its' journey to where both people are now in physical contact with one another; THEN the possiblity may present itself.
When a relationship is strickly confined to just phone talk and interent conversation... it's IMPOSSIBLE to say that you are "truly in love". First off... ... it's hard to trust ANYbody that you meet in the physical world. Your first impression of them could be (and, most of the time, is) a lie... ... you don't know if they're independent or clingy; don't know if they're financially stable and have lots of money despite how many drinks they've bought or the clothes they wear. I know guy who dotes on his girlfriend with anything she might want (clothing-wise)... ... but he complains about spending $5 on gas just to give her a ride to and from his apartment. Doesn't make sense, does it? Why spend $100 or so on clothes if you can't afford $5 for a gallon and a half of gas to be able to spend INTIMATE time with your lady??
Anyways... ... everybody has their dark side; and while meeting someone online or through phone connections, you never fully get to see just how dark that person is. You can usually sense a tone in their voice when they're annoyed or aggravated, but never get to see how climactic it can be. They could be abusive... controlling... ... shoot... they could've killed someone in their past. You never know. They could be younger or older than they say... ... could've altered their data so you don't know their true physical attributes... ... their whole life displayed on the Facebook, Twitter, and MySpace could be false!!! And to say that you're "in love" with someone that you've never met?!?! Come on. You should be smarter than that. But, again... ... once that relationship changes to where you can be physically together... ... the possibility of achieving that "true love" becomes more of a reality. And, no, I'm not talkng about sex. I'm talking about just being with each other. Spending time together. Just because you can chat online or on the phone, doesn't mean you have that same flow of conversation in person. You might think they're BORING in person. Who knows?? But that's what it takes. That social interaction to seal the growth.
So... ... Number 3 recap: internet reationships CANNOT reach that "true love" plateau UNLESS they have made the move to a physical-contact relationship. Truly lovin someone means knowing someone on ALL levels... not just mentally and emotionally. You gotta have physical contact and interaction.
The fourth, and final point that I'll mention in this entry... ... there is no such thing as "Unconditional Love". At least not between 2 people. For the sake of time (as I have been writing, now, for an hour) lets just simply break down that phrase so that you know what I am talking about.
"Love" -- simple enough (and I'll be giving the definition of a TRUE love). It's a total completeness of emotion with the person you share that relationship with. It lets you know where the line is drawn without having the other draw it out for you. Like, for instance, you know that it's unacceptable to take phone calls of the opposite sex past a certain hour of the day... ... or take a call when you're spending intimate time together. You have no interest in making more friends of the opposite sex. NONE. You can have coworkers and collegues that you may need to be in touch with every now and again... you may have post grad classes where you need to stay in touch with for projects and assignments... ... but you know that once the conversation is anything but work or school related, there's no need to drag it on. Conversation... ... over. That true love allows you the common sense to know that... ... to be complete... ... means working together through anything through the simplest and strongest foundation that love is built on: communication. Free... open... honest... communicaton... ... and knowing that you don't have to hold back with one another. Knowing that you can be yourself, and say what you need to without reprocussion of your character. That's true love.
"Unconditional" -- unwavering; unfaultering. Without conditions.
With love, however, (even true love)... ... there ARE conditions. If you still doubt me... ... let me just as you one thing: Would you still be able to truly love someone if you found out that they just cheated on you??
There ARE conditions with love. Period. To achieve love you cannot cheat... you cannot flirt with others of the opposite sex... ... again... lots of boundaries. The only time an "unconditional love" applies is between parents and their children. Mother and daughter; father and son; and vice versa. There are no conditions for loving your child... ... even when screaming how they hate you or wish you weren't there... ... you hold no grudges or hold back the love you hold for them. They get in trouble... possibly go to jail... ... you're still there for them when they're let out.
Sorry, folks. Don't mean to burst your bubble... but "unconditional love" does not, and will never, apply to your relationship.
So those are the 4 main points that I wanted to bring up this time around. Mostly because there are certain people on my Facebook page that I would LOVE to vent this out to, but know that it's just in one ear and out the other with them; as, I'm sure, most of my posts on this subject will be addressed from. lol.
Till next time... I thank you for reading, and I hope it helps you in your future love journey.
The Love Doctor --
DrummaRico
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