You can have different methods and paths of how you achieved to feeling such a strong emotion... you could have different standards that you need in that person in order for you to open up to the feeling... ... and the way you met could've even had a factor in how it all came to be... ... but when the dust settles, and the smoke clears, there is a pattern (if you will) to everything. Even the simplest of rhythms in life, we cannot help but take for granted.
For example... ... lets say your boyfriend/girlfriend has called you everyday at 3pm -- just after getting out of work -- for the first six weeks of your relationship. When there's a day... for whatever reason... ... that the call isn't placed... ... your mind can't help but go into this overdrive of questions as to why they might not have called. Are they mad?... Did something happen to them?... Did they just stay late?... etc, etc. A simple rhythm that can take an abrupt negative turn.
Love works in the same way. I mentioned in the prior posting that there are signs everywhere that can tell you at any tme during that relationship whether or not if the person you're with is capable of being trusted on that kind of level, and if they're going to be giving you the same amount of affection in return that you give to them. Love is a rhythm that you must allow your heart to align with in order to coincide with all of its' blissful rewards, once embraced; but it doesn't take just your heart... it takes the understanding of both hearts.
There are five main pillars, for which, to structure the foundation of the love that you look to build. Repeat... ... I said... five... MAIN PILLARS. Meaning that love is not subject to JUST these five... ... but if you look to have a successful attempt at achieving love, these are a MUST in your constructing plans.
And they are... (as I put in MY opinion from lowest to highest priority):
Physical Appearance/Features
Stability (Mental, Financial, Social, and Emotional)
Intelligence
Attitude/Personality
Communication
*Please feel free to comment your opinion about the order of these five.
Now... ... before you begin to blow up and debate my comment section, let me, first, explain why I have them in this particular order.
Physical Appearance/Features
“The first things I notice are the eyes.”
“The thing that means most for me is a good personality.”
“I noticed their smile first.”
“Physical appearance has no influence on how I judge them."
Wow. Is that a load of bullshit or what?
Sure, I can believe that you noticed their smile and their eyes first, but right after that you took a tour three feet below their chin to see what that person was working with. Personality means more?? Give us all a break. For those that have seen the movie, Harold and Kumar go to White Castle, you know within yourselves that if someone like Freakshow came up to you trying to have a conversation, and began hitting on you, you’d run out of the bar or club screaming to high heaven. Personality is very important, but it comes AFTER the physical features. If they weren’t remotely cute, you wouldn’t want to take that chance to discover what kind of personality they had. The hotter or more attractive a person is, the less you could care if they were boring and dull or adventurous and outgoing.
Unfortunately, whether we want to admit it or not, we are all shallow in our way of thinking. Television, radio, movies, and any other form of propaganda have gone for years with the mindset “sex sells”, and it works out VERY well for them. What that has ultimately done for us as people is put those beautiful models and celebrities on a plateau of standards which we judge all people on. Tall, athletic, slender, tone, or rippled bodies are the pinnacle of the human form now. They are always the ones you notice walking into a room. The big breasts, the massive, muscular arms; the ones with swaying hips, and long, slender legs; the ones with dimples in their cheeks when they smile, and a cut-off shirt so that you know they workout… they just have this presence about them that makes people’s heads turn. What you don’t notice is that these are the people that will, more than likely, treat you the worst. These people are usually self-involved, and selfish.
I'm not saying that everybody is shallow to this specific type of person. A good friend of mine LOVES the BBW's (big beautiful women). His ideal woman is short -- and I mean, shorter than 5'4" -- and weighs more than 200lbs. That's his limit. He shudders to think of a woman skinnier than that. Taller, he could deal with, but he needs the weight class. Not to delve into my personal tastes, but I will just say this: I have my limits. I don't have a specific type that I look for, or a specific weight class to be over or under. I've dated tall, short, size-zeros and full-figured women. MY whole stance is... if you can hold a conversation with me... keep my attention without having me wonder, "What kind of scenario can I bring up that could excuse myself from this as politely as possible?"... ... I'm pretty much willing to go to any level you'd like to take it. I'll keep an open mind.
In any event... no matter what your taste is... physical attraction DOES play a factor in building that relationship. There are certain lines you won't cross, and that's natural... ... but don't put yourself in a scenario that leads you grasping on to any and every morsel of connection so that you can stay together just for the sake of comortability. All it does is lead the other one on, and makes you emotionally cut off until you can gain the courage to leave... ... or sabotage the relationship so that you won't have to end the relationship yourself. Above all... ... don't give the lame excuse "It's not you it's me"... ... or the "I don't wanna ruin our friendship". Those are worse than a shot to the face of our ego. Be real. "I'm just not attracted to you". Yes... it seems harsh... ... but, there ARE qualities or features that we just don't find attractive. It happens. Be honorable and do what's right in keeping it honest.
Stability
Wow... ... so many sub-factors pour into this one structure; which makes it a wonder why it's not the #1 on the totem. Hopefully, I'll be able to show you a clear understanding of why this is.
Mental/Emotional Stability --
They cannot help but to coincide. If the mind and heart are in sync with one another -- a flowing harmony on the inside -- it is inevitable that THAT harmony will be returned from your surrounding world. This is more for those aged 16 through 26...
We have so many different factors going on in our lives during this time. We have school, work, family, phsical fitness... wanting to start our career, wanting to move out... paying off loans and tuition, paying for bills... ... finding love, and obtaining it SHOULDN'T be one of those stresses, right?? This age bracket is the most susceptible to anxiety attacks and depression because of all these things piling on; and all these stresses distract the mind from being able to reason with the heart about what you NEED versus what you WANT.
Aside from everyday, individual stresses... ... there are not-so-ordinary stresses that could play a factor as well, and deviate from knowing just HOW to love. Like someone being hurt from a long-term relationship... ... someone who watched their parents go through a divorce... or someone that was brought up thinking that "love" meant being dominant, aggressive, and making the other more like a slave than a lover. Baby mama/daddy drama is more commonly found nowadays as well.
It is when we've found a balance within ourselves, and within the one we choose to be with that a "sane" foundation can look to be built. If someone was always whining about their baby drama... or their school... or any one of these factors... how long would you be able to put up with it?? How long would you be willing to give them to fix it so that you may move onward?? And, what if, it distracts you from your own turmoil?? You can live in the moments with your boyfriend or girlfriend, but sooner or later you have to face your reality... ... and when you do, it'll effect the relationship you're trying to build.
The phrase I like to use in this scenario is, "Do what you HAVE to do now... so that you can do what you're MEANT to do later." Take care of your business. Especially at this age. Just have fun with whom you're with... and focus on the things that'll help you in the, much, longer run.
Financial --
Lets face it... ... everybody needs this. Man or woman... teen or adult... ... single or long-term... ... while you may not need ALL the finer things in life, you still need money to be able to do things with yourself. To pay off your bills and loans, to get out of your parent's house, or take your date out. It is one of the biggest stress factors that anyone of ANY age can encounter. So find that job that makes you happy doing it, or get the education you need to have the career that you want. Above all... learn how to budget that responsibility. lol
Social --
Once you've stabilized the aforementioned sub-points... your social-life should be right on the track you need it to be. Why wouldn't you have confidence in yourself when you're financially taken care of, and passed all the drama you dealt within during pre-teen and young-adult years??
Bottom line, though.. ... some people are just socially awkward. They don't know how to interact with people... or read them in a way so that they won't offend them with their particular style of humor. Or being over-weight has closed you off from social interaction. Again... once you have taken control of yourself... you can take control of that fear/awkwardness and present yourself in a manner that you're comfortable with. Without a social stability, how are we able to meet that man or woman of our dreams??
Intelligence
The SAT’s, ACT’s, ASVAB, and even the BAR; some of the world’s best tools for measuring the IQ one possesses, but if someone that has never done a day’s homework in their life scores higher than the Valedictorian of Harvard Law what does that tell you?? Congratulations on your hard work at achieving that honor and all, Mr. /Ms. Valedictorian, but a lot of times, it’s not about having the book-smarts that matter. Someone who pledged a life of celibacy can take all the sexual education classes in the world, but the person whom has experienced it first hand would have a better explanation of how having an emotional connection and intimacy enhances the act of sex.
Having the knowledge of what to say about a subject is only half the battle. Knowing when to state it is the other. You can’t speak upon a subject that you have little to no knowledge of. What ends up happening is you’ll ramble trying to bullshit your way out of the topic at hand, and ultimately make yourself look stupid. Ironic, isn’t it?? You talk to try to make yourself look/sound smart, but end up looking the fool.
Intelligence is a delicate subject to try and bring up. You don’t want to use all of your knowledge up in one encounter. Not only will you seem pompous and a show off, but you also run the risk of making your significant other feel less superior. Be sure that, if you show off everything you’ve ever learned, then, don’t expect a phone call for a second date.
When it comes to the opposite sex, be sure you’re doing your homework about them. If they’re into astronomy, be sure you can name the (now) 8 planets and some major constellations; if they’re into botany, learn the names of flowers. For more of a challenge, learn their scientific name. While it may not be an area you particularly like or find interesting, learning more can help that process along to make that subject something you both will have in common in the future.
Most of all use your intelligence to be creative!! Flowers and candy on a date is so cliché, and CAN work, but do something to be ORIGINAL. Not only will it stand out more for the person you're with, but it'll make for a more memorable experience with yourself. Seeing their face light up in such a way has an effect on the memory, and just seems to embed itself within you.
Attitude/Personality
If “LOVE” were a car, it would be a stretch limo with physical features in the front seat and personality deep in the back seat. In fact, personality is in the trunk just waiting for its opportunity; banging and screaming to be given a chance to show just what they’re all about.
Personality really reflects upon a person’s attitude. The more confidence you have within yourself the better you’ll be able to present yourself. Charisma is soon to follow. Confidence is like a vocal lubricant and allows your words to pour out smoothly like wine seems to flow from bottle to glass. Too much exploitation of confidence, however, will be looked upon as cockiness or arrogance.
In order to find that balance within yourself, you have to accept your imperfections/flaws (yes, yes, I know it’s hard to believe, but you DO have flaws). Accepting that you have flaws as well as extricating the positives you have about you shows a kind of humbleness to you, but also confidence. It’s as if saying, “Yeah, I’m not perfect, but this is what I have going on for me. Take it or leave it.” This is not easy. A lot of people truly look at themselves and can’t pick out one thing about them that they find wrong; when, in fact, that’s a flaw in itself. To know whether or not you’re one of those people, ask yourself this question:
If there was one (or more) thing(s) you could change about yourself, what would it be?
Now just because you were able to answer that question doesn’t make you any better than the one who couldn’t. If you answered more than just one thing that you’d change about yourself, that shows an insecurity within yourself, as well as, singles out your lack of confidence. To successfully give off the aura of confidence to others, you must first control it within yourself. Sounds Barney the Dinosaur-like, but you must love yourself. Love yourself in order to truly be able to give yourself away to be loved.
It is this trait that I, dearly, wish we were all judged upon first, and not by our external appearance. While you can get passed a person not having money, being socially awkward, or being a "6" instead of an "8" or "10". But without a good, positive attitude/personality... being caring, sensitive, understanding, and strong... ... what else would the person you're looking towards have to hold on to?? I'm pretty sure that a mindless robot is not the pinnacle of attraction otherwise... vibrators and "fleshlights" would looked at to be given some sort of artificial intelligence.
Without the right personality or attitude... there can be no chemistry. Without chemistry... there's no intimacy; which means... no love. So learn which traits are your strengths, and which are your weaknesses, and find a balance between all of it. Don't do it for them... do it for yourself; and don't believe so blindly in changing someone for the better. If they can't do it for themselves... they surely won't do it for you... ... and, if it happens that they do... it's only temporary. When the relationship is over... everything goes back to square one.
Communication
Now... ... after having read allllll of that. Can you guess why this point is the most important?? The first 4 are merely tools to work on for each individual person. Think of them as the 4 walls to making a house. But before a house can be built... what does it need? A level foundation for which to help hold those walls up. This is the starting point, for which, that rhythm of the relationship is found. This is the basis for ALL things in a loving relationship. Even when you have all the other 4 balanced and well in hand... this is where it all glues together and takes shape. And lets say you're out there looking to date someone... and, with the balance of the other 4 points you have chemistry forming... ... from that chemistry, you've built an intimacy... through that intimacy, you've grown accustomed to and adore each others' flaws, and accept them for who they are... ... and at the end you have "love". But to each progression... it takes communication to get there.
You need communication for that first interaction... you need it to become intimate and talk about the things you both are looking for out of the relationship... ... you need communication to work out those issues that may take more than just an "understanding" of them... ... communication to assure each other that you both are growing... ...
The list just goes on and on; and I'm only talking about the bigger transitions of the relationship!!
When the communication is open and honest... with no reprocussions... there's nowhere that the relationship can't go. Nowhere. Equally important in communication... ... openness and honesty NEED to be felt. If you don't feel like you can be yourself with your boyfriend or girlfriend... or you can't express your opinion without sparking a fight or misunderstanding... you just close down, and shut them out. What happens then?? Well... you start looking for other people to talk to. What happens after that?? Emotions begin diminishing as the intimacy begins to fade to another; and, then, ultimately... the relationship ends. All because of a failure to communicate.
I think I heard you think out loud to yourself a while back... "Hey... what about trust and loyalty"??Hang on... I'm getting to it. lol.
Through this communication comes that rhythm; and ONLY through this communication are you able to keep that rhythm from faultering. Keeping everything out in the open... making it honest from the beginning... ... you learn a new level of trust and intimacy; and through those comes an unwavering sense of loyalty to one another. When you are both on the same page about everything... and you can openly talk about things you may not like or things that hurt or bothered you... ... that trust begins to manifest through your actions. As I mentioned in my previous post... you start seeing where those forbidden lines are drawn, and make it a point to steer very clear of them. You make decisions, almost, subconsciouly and selflessly for one another.
With communication feeding into your trust... ... all the doubt washes away. All the jealousy you've felt from past relationships... all the insecurities... all the worries if a future still looks plausible... ... they're all laid to rest with that strong sense of communication.
The biggest mistake about communication is underestimating that the opposite sex is only hearing your words. While they may hearing what you have to say, you body is what they could be really listening to. Not just small gestures and physical interaction... ... but your actions in general. Actions really do speak louder than words. Do you know that song... ... "If you wanna know if he loves you so, it's in his kiss..." ?? A kiss, a hug... ... even a specific look into their eyes... ... it allows you to transfer that energy of emotion that you feel without having to put it in the simple phrase, "I love you". It's unfortunate, but it seems that "I love you" deminishes in value over the course of time. It becomes routine till those words are no longer valid... ... but SHOWING that you love someone. That holds its' value better than a Honda Civic (lol) and it helps to maintain the message that you still hold an exponential amount of loving emotion for them. Hence... leaves out the deminishing value of words.
That's what it takes. A TREMENDOUS amount of self-reflect and self improvement... ... and then LOTS of working together in communication in growing that connection between the 2 of you. Honest... open communication, folks.
I look forward to hearing back on your theories about this, and your comments in general.
Till next time... I thank you for reading.
The Love Doctor --
DrummaRico
All of those sections are very important but I would definitely put stability on par with communication. I wont go into details but without stability, it's a crapshoot trying to communicate with someone, no matter how much you love/care for them.
ReplyDeletePhysical Appearance/Features
Attitude/Personality - Intelligence
Communication - Stability (Mental, Financial, Social, and Emotional)
You are very correct about appearance, everyone is shallow, I am shallow. There I said it. But I'm aware of my shallowness(word?) so I try my best to give people who might not be conventionally attractive a chance because I have had it happen to me that a person became more attractive to me after getting to know them.
Love- in my opinion is how we will always interpet whether be the good or bad of it, but like you said there’s factors that we as human being tend not to look at , pillars as you say. I must say though I tend to do what I feel is right for me, yes I randomly give mixed signals I must admit. Intro: The basics of a relationship are like the pillars or foundation stones of a house. All must be strong. If you try to make up for one weak pillar by strengthening another, the whole structure will be out of balance. If someone were to ask you the question, "What are the factors necessary for a lasting relationship?" what would you say? What foundation stones or "pillars" are essential for strong relationships?
ReplyDeleteThink about it. What if you had to limit them to just four factors? There are actually many, but what is needed in any relationship, especially a lifelong marriage, are the following: love, trust, respect and understanding.
What is love? There are many words that can be used to describe love… have affection for, be devoted to, care for, find irresistible. All these words can be used to define to the feeling/ emotion/ state we call love. But at what state can we say that we love someone as opposed to liking or being fond of them. There are four vital elements, that I will call pillars, that must to be present for it to be considered a healthy loving relationship between a man and a woman.
1. Trust
The person you love generates a feeling a trust in you. You are confident that he/ she will always have your best interest at heart. You feel cared for by the person. If you were to be told to stand on a platform and freefall with him/ her being there to catch you, you would do it gladly. Trust is very hard to give someone and is very easy to break. One slip and it is gone then it becomes very hard to regain it. We all know how frustrating a relationship that lacks trust can be.
2. Security
Your lover makes you feel secure mentally, physically, financially, emotionally you name it. When you are in the arms of the one you love, you feel like you can conquer the world. The security level moves from outside-in. This is because when the relationship starts, since you do not know the person, you are slowly letting them in after they satisfy the outer level of security. Without security, one tends to be in a state of uncertainty, always looking around, ‘shopping’ for a better option where they will feel safe.
3. Shared Vision
ReplyDeleteThe union has to have a vision. Both of you must be able to dream of a future together. You must be able to see yourself with your partner six months, one year, five years ten years down the line. And it must be mutual, in the same direction. You should be dreaming about starting a family together, facing life’s challenges together and growing old together. The most important thing is that you must be having the same dream lest you feel cheated when time goes by. Only with a mutually beneficial shared vision will you strive to make the relationship work.
4. Attraction
You must find the person you love irresistible. This attraction is what will strengthen your intimacy and will keep you away from straying to look for fulfillment elsewhere. Both of you need to know what in you attracts your mate and strive to maintain or even enhance it. Your sexual life is the glue that binds you together as you constantly reaffirm and renew the bond. A loving relationship with a great sex life is nirvana.
It is important to note that all the four elements are vital and should be in balance for a healthy loving relationship to exist or else doom awaits you. If one of the pillars is given precedence over the others, the relationship will be skewed and suffer and marital happiness will not be obtained. Remember, relationships are hard work so if you make the commitment to be in one, be ready to work very hard in maintaining and protecting it. Do you agree?
Noemi... The reason why "Communication" is the strongest is because it involves both parties; while the other 4 are for just personal, individual growth and improvement. They're all attributed to just one side of a 2-part relationship.
ReplyDeleteRandomnessofJO... Attraction does not (and SHOULD not) play that big of a factor in your pursuit of obtaining that "true love". If it is... I feel sorry for you; because it will come a lot harder for you than someone with an open mind and heart.
In response to the rest of your comment... all you did was go over what I thought I clearly made obvious. You can't have "shared vision" or "trust" without intimacy... you can't have intimacy without getting to know that person well enough... and you can't know that person well enough without... (say it with me)... COMMUNICATION. lol
I'm just addressig the MAIN strengths needed from each side in order to achieve that love. In future posts, I will address all the different variables, and all the different signs that go along with how to maintain, how to analyze, and how to know if you're really IN love... ... or if what you have is not quite there yet.
Thank you both for your comments. I appreciate them
I'm still of the camp that you cannot communicate truthfully and in full consideration of your partner and your relationship if you are not a stable person. Granted you don't have to be financially stable, but mentally/emotional stability is seriously the most important, almost deal breaker, unless the other person commits to real change and not just the promise of change.
ReplyDeleteNoemi...
ReplyDeleteUnless you're mentally unstable, there's no reason for you NOT to be honest and open with your boyfriend/girlfriend. Stability is something we all have to journey to grasp on to, and if you choose to do it together with someone... that's fine. Makes the love journey a bit more difficult, but it can be attainable. Those that seek out to love MUST be forgiving people; and if they weren't they wouldn't be looking for love. They'd just be looking for the "hit it and quit it". We can deal with a person's flaws so long as they're progressing, improving, and not slowing OUR OWN personal growth down... but it's only through communication that you can do that.
Which is why communication is #1.