In the desloation of the night it is easy to find our mind wandering...
Even though our bodies are winding down after a long day of working, cleaning, and various other mundane activity; our minds seem to have drank some kind of energy drink and are fueled with hundreds of thoughts that, often times, keep us from falling asleep at that reasonable hour. Lots of "what ifs", past conversations and scenarios... ... wondering what the future might hold, and if what we're doing now is the right thing to do in order to ensure the correct path has been set in front of us.
I, myself, find myself going over my past relationship endeavors. What I might've done wrong; what I should've seen from the beginning... ... relationships that weren't given a fair chance, and relationships that lasted too long for their own good. Wondering what some of them may be doing now, if they, possibly, think of me... ... happy that I am no longer in contact with some, and curious with the ones that I'm in contact with still. Why confused, you may ask??
To put it in the simplest terms... ... I don't keep them around and within communication just because I enjoy a conversation with them. They're there because there's still a lingering emotion about them, and a, kind of, yearning of what could happen with them if the possibility may present itself that we could get back together once more. Is this a smart thing to do?? Absolutely not. But being a single man with a memory that seems to absorb EVERYTHING about my past girlfriends... I cannot help what my mind chooses to bring up at the peak of its' midnight performance period.
This issue is one that I face, at least, a few times a month when talking to my closest friends about their relationship turmoil. 85% just can't seem to stay away from an ex girlfriend/boyfriend. At first, it starts fairly casual... ... going out for drinks; maybe dinner or a movie... ... there's talk of keeping it this way, and a "mutual agreement" that things won't get weird... and then the sex comes in. Before either one realize it... they've gotten back together and diving into the problems they had thought they left behind when they had broken up previously.
I know what you're thinking... ... and, yes, it is a bit hypocritical of me to criticize them when I'm doing the same with my ex girlfriends. Easy there. While I may be in communication with them... I know that not only will there never be that kind of opportunity, but I have to see a dramatic change within them before I deem them worthy enough for another chance with me. I'm talking about a checklist of various, specific things that need to be resolved and thoroughly worked on. Yes... this is what I require... and it has taken years of dating experience and one really bad heartbreak to make me this way. But back to the topic at hand...
Why do people consistantly return to their exes despite the hardships that caused them to break up?? Or... lets take it a bit further... ... why delve back into a crush of someone from the past?? I'm not ruling out that it couldn't be made to work out... but these are the reasons why it doesn't:
1) In regards to an ex... you can never... EVER... go back to "the way it was". There is NO "reset" button that will clear all your problems and allow you and that person to be rid of all those tribulations. If he/she cheated... you may never trust them 100% ever again. If they did drugs or drank a lot... ... there's always a worry that they could relapse. If they abused you (whether physically, emotionally, mentally, or spiritually)... there's always going to be a bit of fear within you that keeps you on edge. Because, lets face it... if it happened once, it can, most definitely, happen again. "Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me", correct??
Don't be fooled and blinded by your emotions in WANTING them to change. If you really want to see how things turn out... let them show you how serious they are. Make out a list of goals/requirements for them to accomplish, and if they can submit to it, and consistantly stick to it... by all means release the inhibitions and give in to your emotions. If not... pull back. You're only setting yourself up for another heart ache.
2) For those looking to reconnect with an old crush -- someone you hadn't gone out with, but wish you had... ... the biggest reason why this particular relationship doesn't work is because of how we percieve this person. The reasons why we took crush on them in the first place (all those years ago) are things we're still basing this off of in their present state. How can we see the progress we've made within ourselves and always talk about how "we're sooooo over it" and "so much smarter now" that we can't assume the same about that other person, and realize that the traits we liked about them before may no longer be part of their characteristic repetoire??
Whatever the case may be... this is why those relationships always seem to fall short. We expect them to be that same person of the past. For myself... this is the reason why I have such a long checklist of things that have to be done... because I've already come to realize that I may not even like these people as they are now.
Having said all this, I am reminded by an early rule that Billy Crystal had said best in "When Harry Met Sally"... ... "A man cannot be friends with a woman he finds attractive. He always wants to have sex with her." I will elaborate this on a future post, but as for now, I will leave you with that thought. Do YOU feel that men and women can be "just friends" with or without attraction?? Why or why not??
Feel free to leave your thoughts in the comments.
As always, I thank you for reading, and hope that my words help you on your future relationship encounters.
Much Love --
DrummaRico
The Love Doctor
I understand where you're coming from. Sometimes when there's an initial attraction, the more time you spend with them, that attraction fades out...this phenomenon indeed happens! And you're to the point where you're just friends - all is dandy. One a crush is now a pretty cool friend, although a circumstance to that, mostly, is an attraction for someone else.
ReplyDeleteThere's so many people in this world, and we could choose from any one of them...but there are so many we never come into contact with...if you're not completely happy with someone, by all means, go and explore. some people say there's an age where you just can't be spontaneous anymore...you've got to settle down mainly because you want to...standards may stay or may fall...it's now a juggling act...or a give and take...
(and that's what life is about right, a balance?)
My most significant relationship, in retrospect (because I assume past "me" would have never seen it coming or thought this way), was the best one...it wasn't perfect....in my opinion because we were young and too infatuated...and if we were still together...from then until now..it would've have been close to 5 years...marriage would be on the way...and although it sounds somewhat comforting to think of now...the 20 year old me was scared shitless....i had never dated much...i was moving for college...would there be someone better out there?? so far...not really...but at the same time i haven't really put myself out there....
getting to grit of my point...the break-up wasn't mutual...I was unhappy. I said things that I thought i felt....but it turns out...i was projecting myself onto him. I wasn't bored of him, i wasn't worried about his future, I wasn't concerned that he didn't have his own life...that was all me...I didn't know who I was, I didn't know what i loved - maybe i was jealous that he had such a passion for basketball...maybe i was at a loss because i had it to...but it wasn't there...and so i felt i had lost a connection with him. I didn't know who I was, or was entirely sure of who I wanted to be and what I wanted from a relationship....
he was one of my best friends. i could tell him anything. go to him for everything. but as the miles separated, so did our lives. i love him. i loved the man he was. and i know he's changed. so how can i possibly say that i still love him? if I tell him that it was my fault and that I shouldn't have left the way I did, would he forgive me? If i say that I had to do it for myself because how could i give him all of me when I didn't even really know what to give, would he say it was ok?
i doubt it. and so from far away, I watch as he goes from girl to girl...settles down...should i even tell him? maybe not until i get to see him. but who knows when that will be?
I was young. I still am. Still working out the kinks, still figuring out who I am, but I'm grasping the idea of loving and to be loved...and commitment in a relationship is just more than committing to one person...two people don't blend and become one...they compliment each other...two colors that look really good together...but it's important to know that you're a color first...to know who you are....
this is tina btw hahaha
Break-ups are never mutual no matter how much the guy or girl may say it is. One or the other really feels, deep inside, hurt and wishes it wasn't driven to a point where it didn't have to part ways.
ReplyDeleteYour case is, merely, a toss up. It can go with you or against you... lead to happiness or lead you to finally close that "what if" within your mind; just as the ones that I am still in contact with are. They will either lead me to rekindling a relationship I always wanted with them... or just allow me to finally realize that it just wasn't meant to be.
"You must truly love yourself in order to give yourself away to BE loved". Very important rule... and if you're still searching yourself in this point in time, then venturing to this "what if" right now would only lead to parting ways once again because of your uncertainty.
I'm sure he holds no grudges, and still feels a certain love for you as well... ... but neither of you are no long IN love with one another; and that's something to really take to consideration. You and he have that love that speaks of respect for one another... a connection that allows you to be yourselves in front of one another; being free... ... but it's not that same bond of love that you might've had while you were together.
The only things we can do now is just to (when we're ready, of course) make our emotions and selves available and open to them... and take everything day by day. If they embrace it and still feel something too... follow down the path and see where it leads; all along, taking into consideration that it's not the same as before. If not, and they're happy where they're at now... at least we can let go.
Thanks for commenting, Tina. Appreciate it!!! :-D
NOPE! A guy and a girl can't be just friends. no matter what, if that 'attraction' is there it will always, always lead to something, always! no matter how 'strong will' you think you are!
ReplyDeleteCorrect you are, Mzroocythao!!!
ReplyDeleteAnd I will elaborate more on that subject in the next posting. Thanks for reading!!
:-D